Monday, December 28, 2009

Mama's got a brand new Den!

Yeah, I know....I know. I've been gone. Absent. Unaccounted for. MIA. AWOL.

Where have I been, you ask? It's a simple call of nature my bloggy friends. It's animal instinct, no sense in fighting it.

I am a Cougar.

It's winter.

I hate fucking winter.

What do warm blooded, forest dwelling, Twilight-obsessed mammals DO in the winter?

We Twibernate.

For the last two weeks, I've been curled up on my futon wrapped in my Edward blankie,

Wearing my new hoodie:

reading Fanfics & Twiporn and scanning the interwebz, poised to pounce on any teeny, tiny amount of Twilight related info, including but not limited to Robsten's holiday plans, New Moon box office news, Eclipse info, Justin Chon's second cousin's Korean birthday party...hell, at this point I'm scraping the bottom of the Twi-Coke bag people! This post New Moon drought has left a painful, aching void in my life and I'm desperate to fill it.

As a sort of therapy, I banished my son to a vacant basement bedroom and turned his former room into my new den. Whenever I start to feel withdrawls, I retire to my little slice of heaven on earth and listen to my scores & soundtracks on repeat:

or I watch my collection of Rob & Kristen's "other movies":

or I recruit some poor sap to play one of my Twilight games, play with my Cullen Car Collection, and in moments of total desperation, I read my magazines and Twilight books, AGAIN.

I'm even debating adding a mini-fridge for my wine and the new beer hubby bought me to try:

Hell, last night, the withdrawls were so bad, I just sat there all Bellatonic as the words "January", "February", and "March" encircled my head! You think I'm fucking kidding, right?


I need a distraction people, and NO, I don't want to eat pizza in my garage and rebuild two-wheeled death machines with a stacked 17-year-old.*

All I know is that this Twi-drought had better end soon, or I may resort to diving off my roof into the damn snow drifts in the hope that my brain will freeze and be cryopreserved until Spring, or at least until the Twi-crack flows freely once again.

Find me on Twitter, because Mama needs some help.

*I would however, consider ANY activity in my garage or elsewhere that includes a certain 23-year-old with facial scruff, unruly hair and delightfully nommable happy trail.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Twelve Days of Twismas

Well, Hello Sweets! Yeah, it's been a week. That's about the extent of my abilities. Let it be known that IFHRL (*see last week's entry for the translation) and if anyone would like to volunteer to pay me redonkulus amounts of coin to stay home and read Fanfic & write blogs, I'd leave my gorgeous almost-corner office faster than Rob can incite a riot. But, as reality would have it, this Mama still has three cubs to support, a real life hunting job, and a den that I keep obessively clean. So...once a week is all I can hit ya.

This week, we're going caroling. We're visiting all the other bloggy sites and they will welcome us with open arms, enjoy our holiday serenade and then serve us Edward/Jake cupcakes and warm Isle Emse cider. Are we ready? Sopranos...move to the left, altos to the right, baritones, in back. That's perfect. Now, open your songbooks to page one.

The Twelve Days of Twismas

On the first day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

A Robsten in a pine tree.

On the second day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Two homo lovers....
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the third day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Three French pap pics...

Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the fourth day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Four cast members calling...

Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the fifth day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...


Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the sixth day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Six "Geese at Twilight" shoes...(OMG, you'd be amazed at the shit that pops up when you Google "goose twilight")

Five Glorious Fingers!
Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the seventh day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Seven Swans fail at swimming...

Six Geese at Twilight shoes...
Five Glorious Fingers!
Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the eighth day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Eight ways to milk Rob's popularity...

Seven Swans fail at swimming...
Six Geese at Twilight shoes...
Five Glorious Fingers!
Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the ninth day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Nine wolves-a-dancing...

Eight ways to milk Rob's popularity...
Seven Swans fail at swimming...
Six Geese at Twilight shoes...
Five Glorious Fingers!
Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the tenth day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Ten Lautner's Leaping...

Nine wolves-a-dancing...
Eight ways to milk Rob's popularity...
Seven Swans fail at swimming...
Six Geese at Twilight shoes...
Five Glorious Fingers!
Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the Eleventh day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Eleven hits on Kristen's (hash)pipe...

Ten Lautners Leaping...
Nine wolves-a-dancing...
Eight ways to milk Rob's popularity...
Seven Swans fail at swimming...
Six Geese at Twilight shoes...
Five Glorious Fingers!
Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the twelvth day of Twismas, Twilight sent to me...

Twelve strummers strummmg...
(Well...eleven strummers and one PFach bum...yummm)

Eleven hits on Kristen's (hash)pipe...
Ten Lautners Leaping...
Nine wolves-a-dancing...
Eight ways to milk Rob's popularity...
Seven Swans fail at swimming...
Six Geese at Twilight shoes...
Five Glorious Fingers!
Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...

Aaaaaaaaand a Robsten in a pine treeeeee!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Twi-Acronyms 101: The Art of Twi-Tweeting

Well...hello there, you 27 28 people who read my randomness! Sorry I've been a little MIA; I've basking in the post-coital bliss of New Moonness and for the past three days, my brain was hijacked by two new fanfics rec'd by my tweeples @LolaShoes and @KStew411.

Have you ever read something so incredibly alluring that it's like words, phrases and fictional characters are feeding you champagne-dipped strawberries and then making sweet, passionate love to your gray matter? Someone? Anyone?


La Canzone Della Bella Cigna

You can come back and thank me later for that little literary love-nugget.

Conversely, have you ever had your heart heave lustily and your pantied-parts pucker painfully while delicious porn prose whispers naughty nothings into your ear?

Master of the Universe

I'll expect MORE than thanks for that one. I expect eternal, ceaseless devotion and outright fucking worship.

Enough of my diversionary sucking up. The real reason for this post besides shamless Fanfic pimping is to edumacate my little pride of cougars in the fine art of Twilight-related acronyms. So...everyone go grab a notepad and pen (JJ and Snarky...I see that neither of you have managed to find more than a red crayon and a Tide pen...WTF? We'll wait. And VitaminR? You can't write this shit on the paper towel you're using as a coaster under your beer can...go get some damn paper please.)

All set? Good. Let's do this.

For some odd reason, there are 103 people 109 inmates on Twitter who give a shit about what I have to say. It turns out we have a little TwiTweet family going on which is both amazingly dysfuctional and highly addictive.

What's funny is that unless you puss out and use TwitLonger, you only have 140 characters to work with. I'm somewhat of a Twitter purist. Only pussies who aren't smart enough to embrace brevity, but instead insist on violating the spirit of Twitter use Twitlonger. If you can't say it in 140 letters are less, you're a TwitFail in my book.

To this end, a very interesting collection of Twilight-based acronyms have been developed so that we can commuicate random, often convoluted thoughts via Twitter, while still sticking to our 140 character, "brevity-is-the-soul-of-wit" Twitter Law.

Here's where your pencils and paper come in handy.

#1) HWMNBL - He Who Must Not Be Laid. This refers to Edward Cullen and is a parody of "He Who Must Not Be Named" Voldemart moniker from the Harry Potter Series. Be careful using it! It ONLY refers to Edward Cullen, and NOT Robert Pattinson.

RPatz is referred to as TPO a.k.a. The Pretty One or TSO, The Sparkly One, or HWMBLR, He Who Must Be Laid Relentlessly. They are two entirely different and often oppositional beings, trust me.

#2) In the Twitiverse, there are a million ways to express suprise, anticipation, or incredulousness and they almost all start out with FM, or Fuck Me. Variations include FMR - Fuck Me Running, FMS - Fuck Me Sideways, FMaMWTS - Fuck Me a Million Ways to Sunday and FMUDiaCC - Fuck Me Upside Down in a Clown Car. See? The possibilities are endless for complete and utter fuckery of the English language. Leave your best FM's in my comments!

#3) Kristen Stewart is ripe for acronym assigment, but the most popular ones are TW - which stands for The Want (because of the constant "wanting" expression on her face), QoBA - The Queen of Badass and TLBIAKU - The Luckiest Bitch in Any Known Universe, which refers to the fact that she's boning HWMBFR.

And now...for the rapid fire portion of this lesson. Perhaps making use of cut-n-paste is a better option than the ole' paper-pencil method here:

#4) DHLtEB - Dry Hump Like the Energizer Bunny (as in MY GOD, his face makes me want to DH him LtEB.)

#5) SPCCBJ - Sweet Pink Chubby Cheeked Baby Jesus ( like SPCCBJ I saw that happy trail and wanted to DH TSO LtEB)

#6) BRB/BGB - Be Right Back/Boss Going Batshit

#7) IFHRL - I Fucking Hate Real Life (as in IFHRL, BRB/BGB 'cause he caught me reading MoTU)

and finally....

#8) HSDIRJTTOL? - Holy Shit, Did I Really Just Tweet that Out Loud? (example: @DanielCudmore tweeted "Packing for Florida" to which my fingers, in the absence of a proper Tweet filter, indiscriminately responded "Yes, are certainly packing. HSDIRJTTOL?"

Now...who among you is brave enough to follow me on Twitter? TAG - you're it! Come & find me, and hit me with your best Twinacronym!


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I'm being Lily Bean-i-fied!

Okay girls....since it appears I'm gettin' rather serious about this "blog" thing, I've followed the lead of my friends at Forever17 and got my hooks into Lily Bean to give my blog some graphic lovemaking. Be patient, Lily's makin' me look awesome and awesome takes time. I mean, do you think Edward's messy mop hair REALLY looks like that without time in the stylist's chair?

While you wait - go watch my rambling, sober YouTube Vlog with my thoughts on New Moon after my fourth showing and the high from premiere night wore off.

See you again soon, after Lily Bean is done with her magic!

Mama Cougar

Monday, November 23, 2009

Sobered up Monday

Yup. I saw it three times this weekend. Yup. Still love it. And Yup. I want to take Chris Weitz into the Den and do deliciously naughty things to him to show him my appreciation.

"Wow....ummmm...that's not what I had in mind when I said "roll it" but hey, who am I to judge? You go for it Mama. I'll just watch."

Of course, now that the high has abated, I did find a few nitpicky things I want to blog about, if only to get them off my chest so that I can go see the movie again tonight with my Unicorn at 8:30.

#1 - "Critical Reviews"

Dear Media-Type, "Professional" Movie Critics,


Now, I know your Ivy League educations and overinflated egos make it damned near impossible for you not to make your opinions known. But conversely, the audience this movie was made for does not give a fat rat's ass what you think about it. Your thoughts on the movie (which are more often than not, based more on how you will look to your movie reviewer peers than the wild concept that you may have actually read the books) mean as much to the Twilight fan base as Sarah Palin's thoughts on just about anything mean to the Republicans Democrats. So, do us all a favor, and go see 2012, Avatar, or Men who screw Watch Goats and write reviews on that. We don't need you and we will speak with our wallets. In fact, I think we already have. Let me give you a number you will understand. $250+ million worldwide in it's opening weekend. Review that you marionette butt monkeys!

"New Moon sucked. What is New Moon anyway? I think I ate Chinese there once. It gave me the trots so it must suck. Let's go with that."

#2 - The Frolicking

This appears to be the biggest complaint of the fandom. Alice's vision of Bella as a vamp was shared with Aro to placate him and make it possible for the trio to escape the Volturi chambers alive. I for one, was REALLY stoked and praying what we would see would be Bellaward embracing in the garden of their cottage while they both sparkled, all happily-ever-after like. Instead....we got the forest frolick.

" run like a penguin." - Bella
"Yeah, well that dress makes you look like Laura Ingalls Wilder." - Edward

Yes, Chris. You got this part wrong. Or, there's some yummy extras on the DvD that will explain this and we haven't seen them yet. Whatever. Too late to fix it now, so we'll all just squint during this part and see if we can make Bella look voluptuous in a blue silk dress and Edward will just lean against a tree in jeans and an unbuttoned white oxford and marvel at her speed.

PS - Summit, since you fired Rachelle, maybe you could see your way to bring her back to teach RPatz how to run properly before you start shooting BD. That woman is a straight-up badass runner from every angle.

So that's it for my sobered up Monday. I'm on my way to buy turkey brining supplies and will then come home and chain myself to a fence post to keep from going to the theater before my scheduled 8:30 showing. Tomorrow (if YouTube will quit being a crotchblocker), I plan to Vlog about my favorite lines by each character, as well as the one line that made me wince. C' KNEW there had to be ONE. Twilight had it's "spider monkey" and New Moon has one too. Can you guess what it is?

Friday, November 20, 2009

Mama's New Moon Movie Review

No worries - it's spoiler free, I promise. You can trust a Cougar.

OK....what can I say? I'm exhausted and my fingers are not connecting with any part of my brain that is capable of logical thought process, so you'll just have to watch my review, because typing it out is not an option right now. Or maybe ever.

I am aware that I look like I've been ridden hard and put away wet...and well, that's pretty close to what happened. Essentially, Chris Weitz made sweet, sweet love to me for two hours and as you can see, I'm basking in the post-coital bliss.

So now, I bid you farewell so I can take a nap and dream of the hundreds of torturous ways I'd like to maim the annoying Uggs-wearing twit that sat behind me last night in the theater. You knew there had to be one, right? I totally called it.

See that fake-blonde head in the lower part of the picture? That's Uggs girl. She possesses the single most annoying voice on the planet and my only recommended treatment for her chronic diarrhea of the mouth is a full frontal lobotomy. Trust me, she'll never miss that part of her head.

But on a happier note, here's my friend Dana and I all stoked in front of the theater. We're excited about Avatar. Bahahahahaaaaaaa.

Or not.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Nuckin' Futs

I have officially lost my already-screwed-up-from-too-many-Everclear-Jello-shots-in-college MIND. My muscles are twitching underneath my skin and I'm squirming in my office chair like a toddler enjoying the feel of a fresh mess in their Blue's Clues Underoos. Long & short? I am a certifiable, committable pile of fuckin' NUTS. And if you have to ask why, you're dead to me.

THESE right here, are worth more to me today than:

1 - the entire contents of my numerous Swiss bank accounts
2 - the balance on my Victoria's Secret credit card
3 - that awesomesauce neumatic wine bottle opener I want from Sharper Image
4 - all the tea nuclear arms in China
5 - I'd say my firstborn child, but she reads this shizznit, so I won't (***coughfirstbornchildcough***)


She ain't all that cute anyway, right?

Anyway....I'm just checking in with you all to let you know that I have no energy to be witty or funny today. NONE.AT.ALL. In fact, I am only participating in "real life" today inasmuch as is necessary to maintain my facade of sanity and keep me outpatient from the psych ward so I can:


And yes....I'll review it, but I'm not deluding myself that I'll be coherent enough to do it via the written word. You'll just have to tune in to my YouTube Channel to watch me go all batshit fangirl.

The Cougar's Den on YouTube

Mama Cougar

PS. The Twibernation is SO OVER.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Let the Twibernation begin....

Ask any woman on this planet and she will unequivocally comfirm..."There is NO SUCH THING as too much foreplay." For estrogen-based life forms, foreplay starts with a wayward glance, a hand placed gently on the small of our backs while we're loading the dishwasher, a wink while we're folding clothes.

It continues with a snuggle on the couch while we're watching Dancing with the Stars, the cute way you brush your teeth AND floss prior to the goodnight kiss, and the thoughtfulness of tucking two clean washcloths under your pillow when you finally join us join us in bed.

In general, foreplay=A VERY GOOD THING. We likey. We likey a whole lot.

There is one noteable exception, however.

Summit Entertainment and it's prodigal franchise, The Twilight Saga.

Summit has been whispering sweet nothings in my ear and running their hands along my trembling thighs for weeks on end now, and even hardcore, pregame-lovin' ladies like myself are beginning to lose patience as our netheregions turn a hundred shades of blue in reaction to the deprivation of the "real" thing.

Just in the last two weeks, we've had the Vanity Fair Spread (no pun intended), The Harper's Bazaar porn, endless YouTube leaks of New Moon scenes, a bazillion blog posts with embedded vids and pics from press junkets and Mall Tour appearances, and don't even get me started on Twitter. I mean, Twitter is so close to sexually suggestive, all it takes is a one letter mistype and know. Let's just say that I've been sufficiently "tweeted".

"You sure about that Mama? I could tweet all day if you wanted."

(To which my bits break out in a Hallelujiah chorus and lay out directional signs and a welcome mat in my panties.)

As a result, in order to ensure continued capillary refill to my treasured lady parts, I've made an executive decision. I am going into Twibernation. I spent my day today like a bear...getting my fill of all things New Moon so that I will have enough sustenance to last for the next 9 days. My gray matter is now filled to the brim with Twi-propoganda. I watched press interview videos, looked at stills from Robsten and Jaylorbait in Paris, and of course, like the true addict that I am, I read fanfic. (If you haven't read Twice As Long As Yesterday by hopefulwager, you are failing epically at Ficwhoring. GO. THERE. NOW. Trust the Mama.)

And so, I take my leave of you TwiWorld. I'm ducking under the covers, taking the Ambien and checking out of this big-top circus until opening night. You all can stay behind and watch the elephants pitch the tents if you want, but not me. I'm done.

Except for listening to my New Moon Soundtrack.

And playing with my Cullen Car Collection.

And blogging this Twitarded Blog Meme that is incredibly late due to the aforementioned activities. Sorry 'bout that EdBrella!

1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)?

Two of my high school besties and I once stole a bottle of Vodka from my parents liquor cabinet and mixed it with grape Kool-Aid. We proceeded to drink said SatanPunch while driving around my friend's pig farm in what could probably pass as Bella's truck. I don't remember much, except hosing vomit off of the side of my friend's house the next day.

2) One of my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)**

Fuck: Seriously? You have to ask? The Sparkly One....hands down. Hands on. Hands moving. Just hands. Everywhere. On me. Because his hands are eroticmazing.

Marry: The Want. (a.k.a. KStew). NO LIE. The girl is everything I'd look for in a marital partner. Smart, gorgeous, well spoken, and BADASS.

Kill: Jacksper. His hair alone sends me into a murderous rage, but add to it the constipation stare and I'm over the edge Dexter on that man.

3) What is your favorite band/type of music?

James Morrison, Adele, Paulo Nutini. UK Musicians kick American artist's ass.

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight?

The Color Purple with Oprah Winfrey, Whoopi Goldberg and Danny Glover. Used a whole box of Kleenex and aged about 10 years when I saw it. It was the first time I'd ever seen two women kiss on screen. It was the first time I'd seen true evil and how it can shape redemption.

5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger?

Hell yes. The damned bunch of enablers. God love 'em.

6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc.

I have a developmental delay that prevents me from having any sense of time. Yeah...that's it. I'm timetarded. So I have no idea. But it's lots. Whole bunches. Tons even.

Well...except from NOW until 11.20 at 12:01 am.

Mama Cougar....over & out.

(radio silence)

Friday, October 30, 2009

Five Twilight Things that Twerrify Me

It's been a rough week in the TwiUniverse. So many different stimuli comin' at me from so many different directions...blah blah blah....BREAK UP SCENE...blah..blah...blah...KISS ME clip....blah blah blah...Jaylorlbait on the SCREAM Awards...and what was nearly my undoing...The Pretty One's Vanity Fair spread. It's like being shoved up against a brick wall and kissed roughly every single day without the follow through.

So, to lighten the mood a bit and take my mind off of the fact that in just 20 days, we will all finally have our well-deserved climax, I've decided to share with you five of the most disturbing, frightening things about the Twilight franchise.

5) Catherine Hardwicke

Need I say more? If you're not convinced, watch your Twilight DvD with the Director's Commentary turned on. Listen carefully during the "Gazebo Scene / Neck Kiss". THAT, my friends, is scary shit.

4) Screaming, Rabid, Twihards

For me, an ear-splitting throng of tween fangirls who a) still wear "days of the week" underwear, b) are labile enough to mention Miley Cyrus in the same breath as Kristen Stewart and, c) are missing an orthodontist appointment to attend the New Moon Mall Tour are truly and absolutely horrifying.

3) Pattinson Panties

You'd be hard pressed to identify a less controversial, less debated piece of Twi-merch. Since the gals at Twitarded revealed their Edwarundies earlier this week, there's been a shitstorm of commentary, ranging from "revolting" and "tactless" to "the most epic undergarments ever made" and "where-the-hell-can-I-get-me-a-pair-uh-them-thur-drawers?" Personally, I find them amusing. I'd love to have a pair but I could never chance wearing them because no way could I resist the ovepowering urge to run my fingers through The Pretty One's hair at every opportunity, therefore making me look like the ultimate Master(bater). I suppose what's so frightening is that for one one-hundredth of one second, I imagined RPatz's face enveloping my girl junk. ***shivers***

2) Truly Tragic Photo Manips

The stars of the Twilight saga movies are without question, the most photographed celebrities on the planet right now. This means that floating in cyberspace are thousands upon thousands of digital images that, in the hands of haphazard amateurs (see #4) who took one 6-week course in Photoshop, relentlessly torture the rest of us with the likes of this:

KStew looks like effin' E.T the Extraterrestrial with that neck. It's just a hundred shades of spine-chilling scary. Please...for the love of all that is sacred...back away from the computer and go back to tweeting your besties with your pink cell phone.

Really? Really? The idea that Edward and Bella would be pacifist, peace-loving tree huggers gives me the serious ba-heebie, ja-heebies. I mean, he yanked a damn tree out of the ground once and he regularly sucks the lifeblood from mountain lions. Are you people reading the same books as the rest of the world?

And then there's this disturbing that I had to have a partial labotomy to prevent it from crossing over to my long-term memory and searing itself into my grey matter for all of eternity.

This is absolutely the apex of the anti-hot. When I first saw it, my chick bits dried up like the Sahara Desert. I mean, these look like the very unsexy carpenter cut jeans and it even looks like he's still wearing socks. EWWWWWW. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

1) Twilight Overdose

There's just TOO much Twilight. Everywhere. Rampant Overexposure. I mean I'm even assaulted at the grocery checkout:


Then there's fanfiction, a myriad of Twilight fansites and Social Networks, Twilight YouTube channels, more Twilight blogs than you can ever read, Twilight Tweeting, hell....I hear there are even people naming their pets after Twilight characters and...err...uhhhh....



This is my boxer puppy, Bella.

(Hangs head.)

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Double My Pleasure?

I was asked via Twitter today, if I planned to see the Twilight/New Moon "double feature" on opening night 11/20. I had to read and reread that request about ten times before I fully understood it, because frankly, it never occurred to me that Summit Entertainment would be ballsy enough to play the two back-to-back to the very same audience.

Now, I loved liked Twilight. I really did. It was a good* movie...a relatively decent adaptation of a book that I love and have read cover to cover at least half a dozen times. (*disclaimer - minus the meadow scene and the "spider monkey" line - which I just retyped about 20 times because even my fingers refuse to believe that ridiculous drivel made it into the movie).
And frankly, when the big screen is constantly inhabited by the blinding prettiness of RPatz

or KLutz,

they could be monologuing from the damn Webster's Dictionary and I couldn't have cared less.

But, alas...Twilight is a "hot dog" movie.

Hot dogs can be very good. Add a little ketchup, some thinly sliced red onion, toast the bun with butter and you've got yourself a tasty little treat. You can probably eat more than one per meal, too. (Which explains why, on multiple occasions, I have watched it twice in one sitting.)

Now...New Moon?

Summit has been teasingly naughty enough to post various scenes and trailers all over the internet - including a seriously badass looking Paul-to-Wolf transformation yesterday, and just today, part of the fight scene in the Volturi chambers that literally had me stuttering, trembling and losing bladder control. From what little I have already seen, it's apparent that New Moon is going to be a big, fat, juicy Filet Mignon. Please God...let it be big and fat. And juicy. Please...juicy. response to the "Double Feature" question, my answer is unequivocally, HELL TO THE NO.

I can already tell that watching the two back-to-back will magnify the painfully apparent flaws in Twilight, and damn it...I just wanna enjoy my hot dog without guilt or shame, even if I do fast forward every time Edward throws Bella onto his back for that ridiculous trip "up the mountain, out of the cloud bank".

I like hot dogs.

I LOVE steaks.

But the two should never occupy the same plate.

EVER, you say?

No, not at all. (Cute sideways smile - an ode to Edward's bedroom scene.)

It's just not fair to the hot dog.

Monday, October 12, 2009


Just had to share with my fellow "mature" Twihards.....

So I'm sittin' at my desk this afternoon in my cushy corner office just typin' away and doing really important, indispensable work. Because I am basically irreplaceable like that. (Yeah, I had my Facebook, FFFW, and wanna make something of it?!?)

A clueless co-worker of mine who thinks Twilight is a sin against God sauntered in and asked me to take some pics off of her digital camera. She's leanin' over my shoulder makin' idle, mindless chit-chat, when she spies my PC wallpaper, which is this:

And then she says to me, 100% SERIOUSLY...."Are those your kids?"

I did not respond for a full 39.276 seconds. I think drool started to drip from my mouth because it was hanging open in sheer disbelief.



I just said "yes, yes they are."

To which she responded..."Nice lookin boy!"

Good Lord.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Yeah, he's my Edward

I am one lucky, lucky girl.

I'm talkin' hit-the-Mega-Millions-Jackpot-of-life-partners for the last 22.5 years lucky.

Yeah, think you're lucky too, right?

So your spouse picks up his dirty underwear once in a while and mows the lawn. Heck, he took you to an expensive restaurant and endured a chick flick for your anniversary. He even held your hair out of the way once or twice when you had morning sickness.

Sure. You're lucky.

But not as lucky as I am.

And here's why:

Last year, my daughter and I threw an EPIC Twilight DvD Release Party.

Hubby was fully aware that our house would be invaded by Twihards, that we would likely be heavily under the influence of our

"Isle Esme Punch"

for most of the evening and swooning over other men. Still, he took one for the team and waited on us hand and foot all night, bringing drinks and cleaning up our

mushroom ravioli dinner

while we played TwiTrivia and descended into Twilight induced stupors.

And then he held my hair out of the way for me.

And that's just the tip of the Twiceberg.

I came home from work once to find this:

on my dresser.

If you don't know what it is, do us all a favor and go back to Twischool.

Did I mention that when he bought it, it was pine green and he painstakingly taped off the tires, windows, tiny little lights, etc. and painted it yellow for me?

The man is an angel I tell you. Sent to me straight from heaven.

And that's not all.

He didn't bat a single eyelash when I told him that I booked myself and my daughter on the Twilight Fans Cruise, to the tune of $3000. Instead, he shrugged and said "Can I come along?" to which I kissed him madly, said "HELL YES" and then informed my daughter that she had better find a friend on the cruise because daddy and I would be requiring privacy in our stateroom quite often.

You want more? Can you handle more?

Okay, you asked for it.

When I came home from a jewelry party wearing this custom made bracelet:

He held my wrist up to examine it and said, "Babe...we need to get you a wolf charm." I wanted to spread him on a cracker and eat him.

One day, he came home from buying work shoes for himself with a present for me. It was not a dozen roses, or a box of chocolates, or even pair of cubic zirconia earrings. It was this:

Enough said.

In fact, just yesterday, my angel was sitting on the couch and I was in my chair. We were just chatting about our pre-gaming plans for the night of the New Moon Midnight Premiere when he looked at the bookshelf behind me, squinting and wrinkling his nose.

So, having been properly baited, I said, "What is it honey?" To which he replies, "Hmmm. Your Twilight books. They're out of order."

Yes, my man knows the order of the books, because he has read them cover to cover twice.

He gets up from the couch and approaches the bookshelf, and does this.

"There, that's better." he says.

We almost didn't make it to the bedroom.

And then this morning I'm at the sink cleaning up after breakfast when he approaches me from behind, all smelling good from the shower which in and of itself is enough, if you know what I mean. But then, I feel him pull my hair away from my neck and his warm breath on the back of my ear. And then, he says this:

"Hold very still."

(A heavenly pause during which I literally cannot move.)

"Don't move," he whispered in my ear.

And I bet you can probably guess what happened after that.

Like I said, I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

Are you lucky too? If so...tell me about it. Because hubs reads my blog and although he does pretty well on his own, new ideas are always welcome!