Five Twilight Things that Twerrify Me

It's been a rough week in the TwiUniverse. So many different stimuli comin' at me from so many different directions...blah blah blah....BREAK UP SCENE...blah..blah...blah...KISS ME clip....blah blah blah...Jaylorlbait on the SCREAM Awards...and what was nearly my undoing...The Pretty One's Vanity Fair spread. It's like being shoved up against a brick wall and kissed roughly every single day without the follow through.

So, to lighten the mood a bit and take my mind off of the fact that in just 20 days, we will all finally have our well-deserved climax, I've decided to share with you five of the most disturbing, frightening things about the Twilight franchise.

5) Catherine Hardwicke

Need I say more? If you're not convinced, watch your Twilight DvD with the Director's Commentary turned on. Listen carefully during the "Gazebo Scene / Neck Kiss". THAT, my friends, is scary shit.

4) Screaming, Rabid, Twihards

For me, an ear-splitting throng of tween fangirls who a) still wear "days of the week" underwear, b) are labile enough to mention Miley Cyrus in the same breath as Kristen Stewart and, c) are missing an orthodontist appointment to attend the New Moon Mall Tour are truly and absolutely horrifying.

3) Pattinson Panties

You'd be hard pressed to identify a less controversial, less debated piece of Twi-merch. Since the gals at Twitarded revealed their Edwarundies earlier this week, there's been a shitstorm of commentary, ranging from "revolting" and "tactless" to "the most epic undergarments ever made" and "where-the-hell-can-I-get-me-a-pair-uh-them-thur-drawers?" Personally, I find them amusing. I'd love to have a pair but I could never chance wearing them because no way could I resist the ovepowering urge to run my fingers through The Pretty One's hair at every opportunity, therefore making me look like the ultimate Master(bater). I suppose what's so frightening is that for one one-hundredth of one second, I imagined RPatz's face enveloping my girl junk. ***shivers***

2) Truly Tragic Photo Manips

The stars of the Twilight saga movies are without question, the most photographed celebrities on the planet right now. This means that floating in cyberspace are thousands upon thousands of digital images that, in the hands of haphazard amateurs (see #4) who took one 6-week course in Photoshop, relentlessly torture the rest of us with the likes of this:

KStew looks like effin' E.T the Extraterrestrial with that neck. It's just a hundred shades of spine-chilling scary. Please...for the love of all that is sacred...back away from the computer and go back to tweeting your besties with your pink cell phone.

Really? Really? The idea that Edward and Bella would be pacifist, peace-loving tree huggers gives me the serious ba-heebie, ja-heebies. I mean, he yanked a damn tree out of the ground once and he regularly sucks the lifeblood from mountain lions. Are you people reading the same books as the rest of the world?

And then there's this one....so disturbing that I had to have a partial labotomy to prevent it from crossing over to my long-term memory and searing itself into my grey matter for all of eternity.

This is absolutely the apex of the anti-hot. When I first saw it, my chick bits dried up like the Sahara Desert. I mean, these look like the very unsexy carpenter cut jeans and it even looks like he's still wearing socks. EWWWWWW. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

1) Twilight Overdose

There's just TOO much Twilight. Everywhere. Rampant Overexposure. I mean I'm even assaulted at the grocery checkout:

***cough***theseareminebutIamloathetoadmitit***cough***

Then there's fanfiction, a myriad of Twilight fansites and Social Networks, Twilight YouTube channels, more Twilight blogs than you can ever read, Twilight Tweeting, hell....I hear there are even people naming their pets after Twilight characters and...err...uhhhh....

Ummmmm........

Shit.

This is my boxer puppy, Bella.

(Hangs head.)