Monday, April 26, 2010

The Eclipsalypse Cometh

Holy Mary, Mother of Cyberspace, last Friday was a shit storm on the good ole' interwebz!! My twitter feed was constipated dominated all damn day by Twihards either excited beyond belief, or wicked disappointed in the "final" Eclipse trailer which premiered on The Oprah Show.

Wait.....whadda fuck?!? The Oprah Show?!?

Well...that's certainly a "cutting edge" decision from the genius folks in Summit's marketing department. And by cutting edge I mean so catastrophically stupid and devoid of common sense it's mind boggling to those of us with even a sub-par IQ. What the hell is in the water at Summit's corporate headquarters that causes what I assume are relatively intelligent human beings to make such epically idiotic marketing decisions?

I imagine the board room convo went something like this:

Marketing Genius #1: "Well, the New Moon trailer premiered on the MTV Video Awards. We shot pure Twi-adrenaline right into the arms of our target audience, whipping the fandom into a frenzied tidal wave that we rode straight through to opening weekend. As a result, the movie broke box office records and went on to earn eleventy-gaziilion dollars for the studio."

Marketing Genius #2: "Fuckity-fuck, we can't have that happening again, our actors might get huge egos and demand decent salaries! Let's try something new. Let's scare the shit out of the fandom by firing the editor while we're balls-deep in post production, and then start rumors that we don't like Slade's cut of the movie, and we need last-minute reshoots. Then, we'll threaten to hire Hardwicke to do them."

Pimply-Faced Intern: "But Sir, that's all true."

Marketing Genius #2: "SHUT IT you little pisstard - and refill my Jack & Diet Coke. Then, let's put together a trailer that has zero of our core story, angle it to attract men to see the movie by stuffing it full of action & CGI, and then premiere it on a show that airs during the day and to a demographic of almost exclusively women ages 25-60, therefore COMPLETELY missing our target market!"

Marketing Genius #1: That's absolutely brilliant. We are officially smarter than God. Do you think we'll get a raise?

Marketing Genius #2: Does Kristen Stewart smoke weed?!?


Okay, before you all crucify me, let me just say that I do love Oprah, and I didn't hate the trailer. I just wasn't blown away by it. And damnit, considering all the hype and secrecy surrounding the making of Eclipse, I wanted so fucking much to be shocked & awed. I was shocked, but not awed.

Here's my reaction vid from the YouTube Channel:

Natch, my hubby, being a testosterone-based life form, thought the trailer was "badass" and now he's more excited for 6/30 than I am. Apparently, Alice going all "Matrix & shit" is hot. Whatever.

As for me, I just wanted more of Edward and Jacob in a pissing match over Bella (cough*tentscene*cough), and more of deliciously horny Edward almost losing his shit and straight-up impaling Bella in his bedroom (ahem*leg-hitch*ahem) on that coppery-silk bedding which I am in LOVE with and of course, can't find anywhere.
Hence, my preference for the new "mash-up" trailer which makes me feel oh, so much better:

Oh, and let me just ring in on the ring.

I've heard many people say it's hideous and they hate it, yet it fits Steph Meyer's description from Eclipse, nearly exactly. You can't bitch that you want absolute, by-the-book authenticity and then whine like Jessica's New Moon zombie rant when you get what you asked for. Besides, something tells me that Kristen saw that ring and said "Hot Damn...that's so fucking ugly that I want it."

Hell, don't tell me that if Edward tried to slip that puppy on your finger you'd balk. The boy could offer me a plastic spider ring from a gumball machine at Wal-Mart and as long as it meant I was getting laid on Isle Esme, I'd be grinnin' like a cat shitting razor blades.

Just sayin'.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Hello Daddy, Hello Mom...I'm your Ch-ch-ch-ch-Charlie Swan!

Yes, I blog infrequently. Mostly because I'm fucking lazy, but also because I share the "overexposure" fear with The Precious One. I write when I have something to say, and when I don't, I shrink back into obscurity and read fan fiction, other cool blogs or obssesively follow the cast. That's my dealio. Just so happens this week, I have shit to say.

Last Friday, I finally had the opportunity to see The Runaways, which is a biopic set in 1975 about the lives of Cherie Currie & Joan Jett, and the first all-girl rock band, The Runaways. I was nine years old in 1975 and the extent of my musical exposure was my mother's Neil Diamond & Barry Manilow albums and the occasional Roger Whittaker 8-track that rattled around the floor of my dad's 1969 Ford El Ranchero. (Which, incidentally was the locale for my first vehicular sexual experience, but I digress.)

 Of course, since the movie starred Kristen Stewart & Dakota Fanning, both of whom I adore, I was excited when my normally lame local theater added showings for this past weekend, so I'd have the opportunity to learn more about the genesis of the female rockers. Plus, obvz....Joan Jett is a badass and I was curious to see just how Kristen would fill those enormous platform boots.
My review is short & sweet:

1 - Swiss-cheese script, so-so directing & the movie never gained a full head of steam

2 - KStew and DFann ROCKED the ever livin' shit out of their characters

 3 - I was so impressed with Kristen's vocals I swear on my AC/DC Back In Black vinyl that I had tears in my eyes.
I mean.....SERIOUSLY.

The movie should have had a whole lot more of that and less of Michael Shannon playing a raging cokehead with bad dental hygiene. Of course, the director Floria Sigismondi didn't ask me, but she should have. (Her name makes me think of a sigmoidoscopy which is a medical procedure during which a tube in threaded through your anus so the ass doctor  Proctologist can see your colon. Again, my digression leads us in strange places, but just go with me, ok?)

Final observation: Kristen and Dakota deserve to win "Best Kiss" on the MTV music awards, because that shit was HOT. If I'd seen this movie in my more formative years, prior to my exposure to peen, it may have convinced me that switch-hitting was the way to go. Just sayin'.

Also causing me to have a rampant case of the moisties this week is the panty-'sploding news that my favorite DILF on the planet, Billy Burke (a.k.a. Charlie Swan) will release an album this summer, and he's cool enough to let his fans preview an unmastered single from the album - song called "Removed". I'm not sure how long it will remain active, but as of 3:15 p.m. CST today, the free download was still available on Billy's new site at Go listen. The Burkemeister has pipes.

I have made no secret of my undying devotion to Billy Burke. To me, the man single-handedly made Twilight a palatable movie for those of us unable to survive on Rob's hotness alone. Billy brought actual acting chops to the movie and for the love of all that is manly facial hair, he gave us the Charlie Swan pornstache and a deep, abiding love for single law enforing dads struggling to raise teenage daughters with death wishes.
Here's an old vid from my YouTube Channel, an ode to the B-Man himself:

I'm sure by now, most of you know that the final cut of the Eclipse trailer will premiere on The Oprah Show this Friday. How curious. Really? I never would have guessed that Summit would choose that outlet to air this long awaited preview of the film, but whatever-the-fuck. Not much else they do makes sense either, so why start now? (Read: I'm still pissed about the dismissal of Rachelle LeFevre and yes, I'm the President of Grudge Holders Anonymous.  We never have meetings because we just stay pissed off at each other.)

Yeah, I'll DVR Oprah, but I'm still trying to decide if I'll have the self control to refrain from watching it at work once it hits YouTube, or if I'll make at attempt at the more mature approach (questionable), and record myself watching the trailer at home & share it with y'all.
Stay tuned.....