Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Expendables

I love shit.

I love to stir it.

I am a shit stirrer.

So yesterday, while working super hard at my office (and***coughtweetingcough***), I stumbled upon this HUGE, absolutely vile smelling pile of shit that is Lainey Gossip's blog. 
WARNING, do not click on this link unless you want to land your bare nekkid feet in a massive steaming mountain of putrid excrement and feel it squish between your toes.

You clicked on the link, didn't you? You're fucking incorrigible.

Fine, but don't blame me that there isn't enough brain bleach in the world to clean those Breaking Dawn Spoilers out of your head. 
Well, as long as the pile of shit is just sitting there, and you've managed to step in it despite my warning, I might as well stir.

Because that's what I do.

I stir shit.

WARNING: I am going to expand upon and invite discussion on Lainey's supposed script spoilers. If you're trying to keep your BD twymen intact, leave NOW. Go. Shoo. GTFO.








You're still here? Well, ok then.

Commence shit stirring.

I don't normally read Lainey's blog because I'd rather spend my nine hours a day in front of the computer working very hard at my job, being a dilligent, dedicated employee and making myself indispensable in the workplace.

Well, that and the occasional tweeting, blogging, reading fanfic, surfing Tumblr, online shopping and social networking.

But yesterday, someone dangled the sparkle peen in front of my face and I did what any self-repsecting h00r would do. I chomped. And I'm not sorry.

First, it was interesting to learn that Lainey hated the book Breaking Dawn as much as I did. Stephenie Meyer should have named this book Freaking Yawn. Aside from the honeymoon and the 12 or so pages of vampire sex in the cottage, IT. WAS. BORING. I forced myself to keep reading in hopes that Edward would crush Jake's larynx with a smile on his face and say something like :

"I've been waiting four fucking books to do that, you pedophilic pussy."

I plowed through the second half of Stephenie's word vomit, literally praying that there'd be a vicious, venomy battle where Edward would exact his revenge on Felix for the Volturi chamber beat down, and  Bella would torture Jane by yanking out that fucking ridiculous bun hair by hair.

And until the final page, I held out hope that Bella would sprout a pair of testicles and tell Edward to cheer the fuck up or she'd suck the joy out of him through his Penis De Milo. And that he'd take her up on it.

Wow...that's ummmm.....disappointing.

As you all know, none of that happened. What we got instead was the vampire equivalent of the final courtroom scene in A Few Good Men. Lots of political posturing, mental manipulation, shouting and in the end, nobody really won. Only ONE vampire dies, and no one actually gave two shits about her anyway. Irina who?!?

The penalty for being a tattletale in the vampire world is death, apparently.

So when Lainey said in her blog:

 "VAMPIRE SEX ...they start mashing up against each other without restraint. Especially him. So there are a lot of accelerated motion quick cuts – him on top, then her on top, the camera’s speeding around them, they’re speeding around each other, like porn on 30x"

I died a thousand fucking blissful, euphoric deaths.

Please, God (Bill Condon), I beg you....let this be true. PLEASE!

And this:

"I’m told there will be a battle. You will “see” a battle. A vicious battle. And ...Some Cullens die. Wolves too. It’s total carnage."

I love carnage. Carnage is my friend. But wait one fucking minute. Cullens will die?!? Which Cullens?
I love the Cullens! And Wolves?

Well...I'll have to be honest and admit that both Jared and Embry have "expendable" stamped on their foreheads. They were marked for death from the day Condon got his hands on that script. my mind, those two chicken-chomping, muffin-sucking hairballs are already dead and buried.

Sorry, boys. Aro's bustin' a cap in yo' asses.

But which Cullens are expendable?!?

It took me exactly 1.77245 seconds to figure out which Cullen falls victim to Condon's red pen of death. In fact, to me, it was ridiculously obvious. C''re thinking the same thing.

You know you are.

Tits to the tile have to know it's gonna be:


And if you really think about it, Emmett too. Because what would the ending be without a few tears?

So...what do YOU think? I'm very interested to hear your thoughts and theories. If it goes down like this, what kind of uproar will occur in the batshit crazy fandom? Protests on the steps of Summit HQ? Rioting in the streets of LA at the BD 2 premiere?

***Pulls spoon out of shit pot and stands back to watch the chaos unfold...***

GO. And don't hold back!