Have you ever read something so incredibly alluring that it's like words, phrases and fictional characters are feeding you champagne-dipped strawberries and then making sweet, passionate love to your gray matter? Someone? Anyone?
La Canzone Della Bella Cigna
You can come back and thank me later for that little literary love-nugget.
Conversely, have you ever had your heart heave lustily and your pantied-parts pucker painfully while delicious porn prose whispers naughty nothings into your ear?
Master of the Universe
I'll expect MORE than thanks for that one. I expect eternal, ceaseless devotion and outright fucking worship.
Enough of my diversionary sucking up. The real reason for this post besides shamless Fanfic pimping is to edumacate my little pride of cougars in the fine art of Twilight-related acronyms. So...everyone go grab a notepad and pen (JJ and Snarky...I see that neither of you have managed to find more than a red crayon and a Tide pen...WTF? We'll wait. And VitaminR? You can't write this shit on the paper towel you're using as a coaster under your beer can...go get some damn paper please.)
All set? Good. Let's do this.
For some odd reason, there are
103 people 109 inmates on Twitter who give a shit about what I have to say. It turns out we have a little TwiTweet family going on which is both amazingly dysfuctional and highly addictive.
What's funny is that unless you puss out and use TwitLonger, you only have 140 characters to work with. I'm somewhat of a Twitter purist. Only pussies who aren't smart enough to embrace brevity, but instead insist on violating the spirit of Twitter use Twitlonger. If you can't say it in 140 letters are less, you're a TwitFail in my book.
To this end, a very interesting collection of Twilight-based acronyms have been developed so that we can commuicate random, often convoluted thoughts via Twitter, while still sticking to our 140 character, "brevity-is-the-soul-of-wit" Twitter Law.
Here's where your pencils and paper come in handy.
#1) HWMNBL - He Who Must Not Be Laid. This refers to Edward Cullen and is a parody of "He Who Must Not Be Named" Voldemart moniker from the Harry Potter Series. Be careful using it! It ONLY refers to Edward Cullen, and NOT Robert Pattinson.
RPatz is referred to as TPO a.k.a. The Pretty One or TSO, The Sparkly One, or HWMBLR, He Who Must Be Laid Relentlessly. They are two entirely different and often oppositional beings, trust me.
#2) In the Twitiverse, there are a million ways to express suprise, anticipation, or incredulousness and they almost all start out with FM, or Fuck Me. Variations include FMR - Fuck Me Running, FMS - Fuck Me Sideways, FMaMWTS - Fuck Me a Million Ways to Sunday and FMUDiaCC - Fuck Me Upside Down in a Clown Car. See? The possibilities are endless for complete and utter fuckery of the English language. Leave your best FM's in my comments!
#3) Kristen Stewart is ripe for acronym assigment, but the most popular ones are TW - which stands for The Want (because of the constant "wanting" expression on her face), QoBA - The Queen of Badass and TLBIAKU - The Luckiest Bitch in Any Known Universe, which refers to the fact that she's boning HWMBFR.
And now...for the rapid fire portion of this lesson. Perhaps making use of cut-n-paste is a better option than the ole' paper-pencil method here:
#4) DHLtEB - Dry Hump Like the Energizer Bunny (as in MY GOD, his face makes me want to DH him LtEB.)
#5) SPCCBJ - Sweet Pink Chubby Cheeked Baby Jesus ( like SPCCBJ I saw that happy trail and wanted to DH TSO LtEB)
#6) BRB/BGB - Be Right Back/Boss Going Batshit
#7) IFHRL - I Fucking Hate Real Life (as in IFHRL, BRB/BGB 'cause he caught me reading MoTU)
#8) HSDIRJTTOL? - Holy Shit, Did I Really Just Tweet that Out Loud? (example: @DanielCudmore tweeted "Packing for Florida" to which my fingers, in the absence of a proper Tweet filter, indiscriminately responded "Yes, Daniel...you are certainly packing. HSDIRJTTOL?"
Now...who among you is brave enough to follow me on Twitter? TAG - you're it! Come & find me, and hit me with your best Twinacronym!