Sunday, November 8, 2009

Let the Twibernation begin....

Ask any woman on this planet and she will unequivocally comfirm..."There is NO SUCH THING as too much foreplay." For estrogen-based life forms, foreplay starts with a wayward glance, a hand placed gently on the small of our backs while we're loading the dishwasher, a wink while we're folding clothes.

It continues with a snuggle on the couch while we're watching Dancing with the Stars, the cute way you brush your teeth AND floss prior to the goodnight kiss, and the thoughtfulness of tucking two clean washcloths under your pillow when you finally join us join us in bed.

In general, foreplay=A VERY GOOD THING. We likey. We likey a whole lot.

There is one noteable exception, however.

Summit Entertainment and it's prodigal franchise, The Twilight Saga.

Summit has been whispering sweet nothings in my ear and running their hands along my trembling thighs for weeks on end now, and even hardcore, pregame-lovin' ladies like myself are beginning to lose patience as our netheregions turn a hundred shades of blue in reaction to the deprivation of the "real" thing.

Just in the last two weeks, we've had the Vanity Fair Spread (no pun intended), The Harper's Bazaar porn, endless YouTube leaks of New Moon scenes, a bazillion blog posts with embedded vids and pics from press junkets and Mall Tour appearances, and don't even get me started on Twitter. I mean, Twitter is so close to sexually suggestive, all it takes is a one letter mistype and know. Let's just say that I've been sufficiently "tweeted".

"You sure about that Mama? I could tweet all day if you wanted."

(To which my bits break out in a Hallelujiah chorus and lay out directional signs and a welcome mat in my panties.)

As a result, in order to ensure continued capillary refill to my treasured lady parts, I've made an executive decision. I am going into Twibernation. I spent my day today like a bear...getting my fill of all things New Moon so that I will have enough sustenance to last for the next 9 days. My gray matter is now filled to the brim with Twi-propoganda. I watched press interview videos, looked at stills from Robsten and Jaylorbait in Paris, and of course, like the true addict that I am, I read fanfic. (If you haven't read Twice As Long As Yesterday by hopefulwager, you are failing epically at Ficwhoring. GO. THERE. NOW. Trust the Mama.)

And so, I take my leave of you TwiWorld. I'm ducking under the covers, taking the Ambien and checking out of this big-top circus until opening night. You all can stay behind and watch the elephants pitch the tents if you want, but not me. I'm done.

Except for listening to my New Moon Soundtrack.

And playing with my Cullen Car Collection.

And blogging this Twitarded Blog Meme that is incredibly late due to the aforementioned activities. Sorry 'bout that EdBrella!

1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)?

Two of my high school besties and I once stole a bottle of Vodka from my parents liquor cabinet and mixed it with grape Kool-Aid. We proceeded to drink said SatanPunch while driving around my friend's pig farm in what could probably pass as Bella's truck. I don't remember much, except hosing vomit off of the side of my friend's house the next day.

2) One of my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)**

Fuck: Seriously? You have to ask? The Sparkly One....hands down. Hands on. Hands moving. Just hands. Everywhere. On me. Because his hands are eroticmazing.

Marry: The Want. (a.k.a. KStew). NO LIE. The girl is everything I'd look for in a marital partner. Smart, gorgeous, well spoken, and BADASS.

Kill: Jacksper. His hair alone sends me into a murderous rage, but add to it the constipation stare and I'm over the edge Dexter on that man.

3) What is your favorite band/type of music?

James Morrison, Adele, Paulo Nutini. UK Musicians kick American artist's ass.

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight?

The Color Purple with Oprah Winfrey, Whoopi Goldberg and Danny Glover. Used a whole box of Kleenex and aged about 10 years when I saw it. It was the first time I'd ever seen two women kiss on screen. It was the first time I'd seen true evil and how it can shape redemption.

5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger?

Hell yes. The damned bunch of enablers. God love 'em.

6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc.

I have a developmental delay that prevents me from having any sense of time. Yeah...that's it. I'm timetarded. So I have no idea. But it's lots. Whole bunches. Tons even.

Well...except from NOW until 11.20 at 12:01 am.

Mama Cougar....over & out.

(radio silence)


  1. Classic post! Not sure how I've missed your blog before now. Signing up to follow asap. Are you the one who is the Billy Burke fan? I'll have to check your archives.

    Good luck with your twibernation. I don't think I have the strength to stay away from Rob ;)


  2. Well's true, I am one of the followers of the Pornstache. I love me some Billy.

    Anyone care to place bets on how long my Twibernation will last?

    Glad you like my blog and welcome!


  3. Maybe I spoke too soon. I don't see on your site that you have a way to subscribe to be a follower. Hmmmm...

    At any rate, I read your bio and I will have to look up and see where Fisher, Illnois, is. I am 47, from Taylor Ridge, Illinois, which is about 20 minutes from the Quad Cities, an Illini fan, a Bears fan, and a Leo. Weird.

  4. For real? Crap! I have other followers! Wonder what's up? I'll check it out.

    Fisher is about 15 miles North and 4 miles west of Champaign.


  5. Wooo! Fab post as ever. Your meme looks fine to me! I think you'll have a lot of fans if you take KSTew off the market right now Mama ;o).

    Have saved your fic rec, will check out as soon as I can :o).

  6. Me likey... me likey a lot....

    LMFAO mama!

    I love your blogs, and I love your ass.... seriously folks, it's a nice ass... I'm not lyin'.

    Thanks for posting BB!! 8 more days!
    *swooning like a mo-fo*


  7. Woot! Lucky number 13, bay-bee!! I'll follow you depends. Is Rob there? I'd go there...

    Every time I read the word "pornstache" my brain goes bow chicka bow wow...

    Saved the rec, will read as soon as I can catch up on what I'm already reading...I'm getting better at reading seven different stories with the same characters and keeping them all straight.

    Enjoy your twibernation, Mama. I lack two essential things to be able to twibernate...1. will power and 2. the desire.

    Love the blog, chickie!!