Monday, October 5, 2009

"I've never wanted a my life."

I swore, I would not, under any circumstances, until the very deepest recesses of hell froze over...go to the midnight premiere of New Moon. I am far too in love with the Saga to share it with the following people, who I am 100% positive will ruin my virgin New Moon experience:
  • The three drunk thirty-somethings who will show up in the middle of the previews with fake bite-marks that the one with the muffin top drew on their necks with eyeliner pencil while they ate sushi, drank Cosmos and sent sexy texts to their doctor husbands

  • The "cool mom" who dresses like a college co-ed in her pink Victoria's Secret sweats that will allow her 8-year-old (and her 8-year-old's BFF) to sit right in front of me and bounce up and down...giggling through the entire movie while they debate aloud whether RPatz is cuter than Zac Effron and then wonder aloud how jealous their friend Kylie will be at school tomorrow

  • The horde of a dozen or more brace-faced tweenagers wearing their "Team Edward" t-shirts from Hot Topic with hi-top Converse and mini-skirts that were previously hidden in their coat sleeves, but they changed into them in the theater bathroom after their moms dropped them off

  • The two skinny goth chics who show up with their gay male friend and proceed to whine and criticize through the entire movie that Stephenie Meyer's "vampire mythology" is SO WRONG and TrueBlood is so much more accurate and they're only here because of "Chad's" sick man crush on Taylor Lautner, blah...blah...blah. (PS - I like "Chad" - it's the girls I want to bi*&@ slap.)

I am serious as a cardiac arrest when I tell you that I considered approaching my local theater owner to see if they'd be willing to reserve one theater for 25+ viewers only...and then I remembered that the drunk thirty-somethings would still be able to annoy the crap out of me.

So, I made a plan. I was going to medicate myself with several bottles of Moscato, stay under the covers in bed listening to the New Moon soundtrack and reading Fan Fiction the entire weekend.

Then, (since I fortuitously scheduled my last week of vacation for the week after the premiere) on Monday, I would move into the theater for the remainder of the week, kinda like Tom Hanks in "The Terminal". You know...washing up in the theatre bathroom, making a complete meal from popcorn, Butterfingers and Ju-Ju Bees and catching naps in that mysterious area under the movie screens where the curtains would provide a perfect camoflauge.

It was a genius plan, really.

And then, these images surfaced and swiftly took control of all the executive functions of my brain:

Damn you Edward and your signature "hand in the hair" kiss that weakens my knees and clouds my ability to be rational.

Are you serious Charlie? Come on! You sit on her bed to console her in lieu of an awkward offer of pepper spray? Well aint this just craptastic. I'm falling. HARD.

What's that sound? Yep...that's what I thought. It's my resolve crumbling like a wrought iron headboard in Edward's fist. I can almost smell "Chad's" Abercrombie cologne now.

And then, the final nail in my coffin...

Chris Weitz, you are the devil incarnate. You just had to highlight the happy trail, didn't you? Well screw you and your manipulative, cinematic genius that results in a raging fire in the loins of millions of women.

I'm just sayin'.

Needless to say, off to I went, in a picgasm induced trance, where I bought 4 midnight premiere tickets and then ducked underneath my computer desk where I sucked my thumb and rifled through my purse searching for my therapist's phone number.

So, I guess I'll see you all at 12:01 a.m. on 11/20. And then again at various showtimes from 11/21 until either the theatrical run expires or the DvD is released...which for the sake of my mental health cannot be more than 30 days apart. I have a doctor's note.

Please Scummit.


It's the least you can do for making me feel like your puppet.


  1. Oh Mary. You absolutely captured every single thing that I too worried about when considering going to the midnight screening, then what finally sold me on braving whatever line-ups there are to endure. Are we really that weak? Well, yes, apparently so. Am I embarrassed? Absolutely not. Am I afraid of the tweenagers that might die that night? Well, they should be. ;o)

  2. Mary--I think you might be my Mid-West twin. I too was not planning on going to a midnight show for most of the reasons you mentioned. However, over the last few weeks I too have been having multiple picgasms and getting so freaking excited that one suggestion put me over the edge....a 21+ theater with alcohol in my area doing midnight showings. One of my Twi-Facebook friends, who also lives in Seattle, suggested it to me and my resolve completely melted. I am now going with one friend and we are going to a Team Twitarded pre-funk party at my FB friend's house (who I have never met in real life) before hand. Love it! I will now be seeing it three scheduled times opening weekend. The kids are going to the granparents for the whole weekend ( I pulled the birthday card as my birthday is the 21st!). Woofreakinhoo!

    You were born to have a blog--I so love your writing style--you crack me up. Long live the porn stache!

  3. OMG Mary! My thoughts exactly! Maybe that's the "Mary/Marie" similarity...

    Can you imagine that I booked a facebook event for me and my friends to organize our "Twilight Saga Week-end" starting the 21st and ending (maybe?) the 22nd!

    Twilight with extended/cut scenes...
    Junk food
    Alcohol and Vitamin R
    Theater with New Moon
    Gushing about the movie, probably a drink out to evacuate the load of energy by dancing...
    and theeeeen?

    Probably some droolworthy movies while drinking-eating more... I have matresses and sleeping bags for everyone but... WILL WE SLEEP? I bet no.

    And I'm checking like everyday my theater's website to book my places. I'm so fucked and sick...

    But I still plan to wait until the 21st (the movie is out on the 18th here in Belgium) because my daughter WON'T be at home... I can't bring my 2yo daughtie to a vampy movie... Can I???

  4. Mary, this is EXACTLY what I fear and also the reason why my sister and I wasnt sure that we should go on the premier but I convinced her somehow! Telling her we will go more than once and hopefully the three drunk thirty-somethings, the "cool mom" who dresses like a college co-ed, the horde of a dozen or more brace-faced tweenagers (I fear THEM the most!) and the two skinny goth chics who show up with their gay male will NOT continue to show up. We (here in Sweden) are STILL waiting for the tickets to be released, which is bad on so many levels I dont even want to think about it!
    I really like reading your blog! :)
    Have a wonderful day!

    /Linn from freedomfanfictionwriters . com

  5. @FFFW - Caro, baby...I love you more than KStew loves her middle finger. But then, you know that.

    @VitR - I was born to blog? Well shit fire - who knew??? Thanks babydoll!

    @Marie - Girl...I've never given Belgium a single thought in my life except maybe in geography class, but now I am very intrigued by it and if I win the lottery, I am so coming over there to get drunk/dance with you.

    @Linn - ditto on Sweden. PS - How close are you two? I flunked geography. Maybe we could all just meet up with Mel in Scotland and then go on a UK pilgrimage to find the glorious origins of RPatz?

  6. Well, Mary, we are close enough to take the plane for that pilgrimage... I just would have to make sure my daughter spend some holidays at my parents' *wicked smile* And we could sooooo dance and get drunk in a brittish pub!

  7. Mary you make it very hard for me to stand by my committment to go to bed on time and not see that damn midnight showing!

    You fucking crack me up woman, not only that, but you're sooooooooo right on many accounts here!

    And on another note, can I just say, I cannot wait to see your review of the Illustrated movie companion tonight! I'm purchasing my copy today so I can flip through it with you!

    Love your ass!
    FL95 (Jo Jo)

  8. Loved it Mary, especially liked the camping out at the cinema bit lol! And don't forget to pop in when you're passing from Scotland to the south of England, I'm somewhere in between, happy to let you all stand in my Rob corner in the kitchen (I may even know of one or two pubs ;o)) x

  9. Oh my good goddamn Mary!!! You had me rolling in the aisles, laughing so hard I just about peed myself. This is exactly what went through my head as I was standing in line at my local theatre buying three tickets for the midnight showing...ROFLMFAO!!!

    Smooches & Stars, Love!!!


  10. I had the same exact fears you did and spent countless minutes (hours) trying to figure out how long I'd really have to wait before the throngs of squealing girls would begin to lessen... which showing did I have the best chance at keeping their numbers down?

    Then I remembered, there's a swanky 21+ only movie theater one town over. They offer dinner, drinks, barcoloungers in sets of 2 (maximum theater capacity is 40) and will even provide you with blankets if you want them. I breathlessly made my way over to their website and literally trembled as I checked to see if New Moon would be there.

    It will.

    I now have 2 tickets to see New Moon, not on the debut night because it was already sold out, but on the Sunday afterwards. Granted, I'm paying $70 for it, but at least dinner is included!