Monday, January 4, 2010

The Conception of The Immaculate

We're well into the great Twi-drought of 2010 and the desperation amongst Twihards is palpable. The bitter, lonely longing is the prevailing emotional climate. The absence of him is everywhere you look. Facebook is desolate. Blogs are full of angst...unrequited yearning. The Twitterverse is a sucking black hole of unquenchable, burning desire. This, as Aro would say, is a sadness.

And just as we're all about to drop to our knees in anguished despondence, our salvation is miraculously delivered to us via email in the form of a simple JPEG file...

...and all is right with the world again. At least for a little while.

When photos like this innocently find their way onto my desktop, they are invariably accompanied by profanity muttered under my breath and then lightheadedness, chest heaving and copious salivation. It's a simple Pavlovian response these days. The Pretty One = Intense Eyegasmic Pleasure. I've learned to accept it.

Go ahead, I dare you to look at THIS, and have no physical reaction whatsoever.

You couldn't do it right?

It's okay. Don't chastise yourself. I basically set you up to fail.

Turns out, this level of lusciousness is impossible for a mere mortal to witness without setting off some sort of autonomic physical response, usually originating in the nether regions.

It's not your fault, it's just a base reflex, like blinking or breathing.

This one...

...buckled my knees, and all but incapacitated me for nearly three days. The smirk, the finger porn, the suit....hell the very notion of red wine on his breath was enough to cause my coworkers to break out the damn defibrilator. Shit got real.

Now, shocking my chest is routine for them. They do it while nonchalantly chatting and drinking their morning coffee. They've grown so accustomed to watching me fall unconcious in front of my monitor, that it's a routine part of their work day to revive me and isn't given any more stock than making copies or answering the phone.

It goes something like this:

I mutter "Holy HELL" followed by a loud thud as my body goes limp to the floor beneath my desk. Coworker in the nextdoor office shouts down the hall, "'s YOUR turn. I got her yesterday, twice." Denise rolls her eyes but knows that if she doesn't save me, the next time she crashes her hard drive there will be no onsite computer geek to save her sorry non-technical ass, so she does her thang and minimizes the photo (to save me from a quick relapse) and shocks me back to life, shaking her head and propping me back up in my $500 leather, urine stained office chair.

At least THEY think it's urine.

This whole cluster of fuckery started me thinking...exactly WHAT is it about this boy? I mean, let's be serious for a moment. He's a skinny, 23-year-old, self depricating British smoker with a slightly squishy nose, a crooked bicuspid, chronically messy hair, overgrown eyebrows and super lazy grooming habits.

And FMUDIACC* if every single damn one of those things about him doesn't make him infinitely more sexy and desirable. Exponentially hotter. It's just NOT natural. He's a freak of nature.

I can only conclude that something magical...ethereal...otherworldly is at work here. Something at the root of humanity. Something that occurred, like most genetic anomalies, at the very moment of his conception. this:

It's simple statistical science. Sooner or later, the ultra rare sparkle sperm was going to find it's way to the once-in-a-lifetime shimmering ovum. The occurence of their meeting is so infinitesmally rare, that humans are lucky to witness its glorious outcome even once in their lifetime on this earth.

So, thank you Dick and Claire Pattinson.

Thank you for this.


Beeeeeeeep.......Charge to 300......CLEAR!

*Fuck me Upside Down in a Clown Car


  1. Oh, shit, Mary. This is why you made my Top 5 favorite blog posts and why I tell anyone who will listen that Mama Cougar doesn't post often but when she does, it's so fucking worth the wait.

    I've totally given up trying to figure out why I am so obsessed with a man-child that's the same age as my kids. I just am. *sigh*

  2. Way to go Mary, now you've done it. I am going to have a hard time sleeping. That second picture looks like he is ready to be kissed and fawned and...

    My heart is fluttering in my chest.

  3. @Dana - I had to blink and read that comment twice. That pic must have special powers to have brought you out tonight. LOL!! How are you?!

    I got that picture from Jeanette at RobMusement awhile back and have it hanging up in my cubicle at work. A silly co-worker said she thought he looked like a young John Belushi in that pic. I had to kill her. LOL!

  4. @Lisa - I can only assume that your coworker is either severely mentally challenged, has overripe cataracts, OR finds John Belushi insanely hot, which, if true, means she needs to be lobotomized, ASAP.

    James Dean? YES. John Belushi, even on his very best day? HELL TO THE NO.

  5. @MC - I know! She's never seen Twilight, can't understand what I see in The Precious, and enjoys tormenting me at every turn. If I thought Rob would come visit me in jail for conjugal visits, I'd put a contract out on her tonight. Just sayin'. LOL!

  6. omfg that's hysterical!!! ok now it's late and i am all hopped up! but thanks - nothing like a little late-nite laugh! you crack me up... off to retweet the funny!

    : )

  7. @MC--Definitely like James Dean...Most definitely NOT John Belushi...WTF...LMAO...who knows how some people see the things they do, its like the "People of Walmart" Site, don't these idiots have a fucking clue?

    Great Post, loved every minute of it...TWICE!

  8. P.S--FMUSDIACC is my new favorite saying! I am giving you full credit ahead of time, so don't sue me when I use the shit out of it! LOL

  9. Oh MamaC how I heart thee. And this is why I would drive you down the freeway in the White Bronco while being chased by the PoPo were it ever needed....and if you ever get near just might be needed.

    Trying to explain the unexplainable is, well, um, I dunno. I most definitely thank Dick and Claire for gettin' their love on back in 1985 and spawning The Precious....the stars and planets were all perfectly aligned and clearly on GMT (Greenwich Mean Time).

  10. Oh my god---this was perfect hilarious bloggy brilliance!!! AWESOME!!!

  11. @TigerLilyRose - sweetie, you feel free use my Twinacronyms in any context you see fit! My current fav is GLACSR - or "grinnin' like a cat shitting razorblades".

    @VitaminR - Honey, you'd have to drive because NO WAY could my brain engage in the various technical functions required for operating a vehicle if The Pretty One were ever within my eyeshot.

  12. Mama C - had to wipe the tears of laughter away after reading this post! Those pictures were yummy, perfect for a ho hum Tuesday. Yo

  13. Yes, my kids think its downright creepy that I drool over this boy- if only they knew how badly I want to plaster his face above my bed- ok, and a few other places he he-
    thank goodness DH is so tolerant- but lets just say he is rewarded nicely because of my "creepy" obsession.

    To be fair- he is fawns all over Ashley too- haven't had the heart to tell him yet she will not be on the cruise :-(

  14. Oh fark, woman. I just totally spit my vegemite toast everywhere at that post. High-fucking-larious!!

  15. So what is this pic from? Real life or movie--the clothes don't give it away lol

    I have never seen the Harry Potter films and decided with the drought it was time to check him out in HP--so I borrowed the movie from my friend with the thought in mind that I love GQ and VF sexed up RP and Twilight RP and maybe seeing him younger and more innocent looking shake me out of my lusty fascination of him...did it? HOLY HELL NO!!!! IT MADE IT WORSE!! HE WAS SOOOOOOO FREAKIN' ADORABLE IN THE HP movie!! It made me 17 again looking at him instead of my 30+ current status.

    Can I say what a sad state of the world affairs we have to have allowed any time to lapse between his roles in HP and the next film he did (well between HP and Twilight)because the world missed out on a lot of heavenly pictures during that time!!!

  16. I cried reading that (from laughter) hilfuckinglerious MamaC