Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Robert Pattinson / Pat Robertson Dichotomy

This may surprise some of you, but I am not an overtly "religious" person. I am honestly not even sure what the term "religious" means...except that like most words, it means different things to different people. So for the sake of clarity, let's assume "religious" means regular attendance as well as financial and personal participation in some denomination of worship.

I was raised a Mormon. (This may explain my adoration for Steph Meyer up until I felt Breaking Dawn was a bit too preachy re: virtue/premarital sex/approach to unplanned pregnancy/etc.) Still, even at the tender age of ten or so, I knew in my heart that there was something in the doctrine of this "religion" that I couldn't quite embrace fully. I never attended again after I left for college. Plus, they expect you to tithe 10% of your income and I was a poor, starving college student who worked at McDonald's for my beer money, so it seemed somehow hypocritical to stand/sit/kneel/sing/pretend when I wasn't about to fork over my Happy Hour coinage to the suit with a unibrow carrying the silver collection plate.

"And so the Lion fell in Love with the Lamb." Steph - you totally stole that from the book of Mormon.

I converted to Episcopalian 25 years ago because it seemed harmless enough to follow in my husband's denominational footsteps, plus it turns out that it's a very well-kept secret that the Episcopalians know how to party. I was pleasantly surprised that during one of our first church functions, beer in many varieties was made available right alongside bottled holy water and Diet Coke. The dude with the collar even drank a few and became shamelessly red-cheeked. The gal that played the pipe organ got downright WRECKED and started to play the Peanuts theme in the sanctuary and everybody thought it was hilarious. THIS, I thought, was a "religion" I could dig. Plus, you didn't get the stink-eye for getting a divorce. Always a plus.

Alas, after two decades or so of blissful regular church attendance, during which I ACTUALLY taught Sunday School to little lamb-faced preschoolers, something bad happened. Something that sucked the "religion" right out of me.

The dude with the collar announced he was a gay man.

This declaration shattered the very foundation of the church and cracked the throngs of the faithful in half. For the most part, the younger half thought it was no big deal, and accepted the admission for what it was; a gay man choosing to come out of the closet. I mean, it wasn't like he started skipping around the altar or wearing Village People costumes under his vestments. He was the same collar-wearing, beer drinking dude he'd always been. Commited to the church. Faithful to God. Compassionate and kind. He just made it known that he preferred Nathan Lane to say....Christine Baranski. No big deal, right?


The grey-haired people were appalled. This smiling, quiet man who had gently laid hands on them and served weekly wafers & wine, whispering "The body of Christ, the bread of heaven" was suddenly an abomination against God and a disgrace to the red-doored church. And let's be real. The grey-haired people have the majority of the money. Whole bunches of it. And they aren't beyond using that fact to manipulate people to carry out their agenda. This unholy, twisted, charade of a collar-wearer had to go.

And so did I.

I simply can't live in a world where tolerance and acceptance don't exist.

And so I decided four walls and a pipe organ just aren't my cup of tea.

Do I believe in God?

Of course. I mean, COME ON. There HAS to be a God if THIS:

is a REAL person, right?

This level of beauty is simply not possible without divine intervention of some kind. In fact, I would contend that God was the architect of this flawless face that was meticulously sculpted by angel-artists that were hand-picked by The Almighty One himself.

So when I say my nightly prayers, I give thanks for the gift of this:

to all of womankind (and perhaps certain collar-wearers with a penchant for argyle socks and vacays on Rosie O'Donnell's Cruise Line).

So today, when another grey-haired man-bully who equates money with power & status in the eyes of God, started spouting hate around the globe, I flipped shit. Why? Because his name could confuse dyslexic Twilight fans everywhere. And we just can't have that. I'm here to clear this shit up once and for all.

THIS is Pat Robertson. Today, he told the world that Haiti brought on it's own destruction by making a pact with Satan back in the 1800's.

And he's a crazy, deluded hate-monger.

And THIS, is Robert Pattison.

God's reminder that he exists in this crazy, fucked up world we live in.

Please, don't EVER confuse the two.


  1. Best post ever. I agree with everything you just said. I bet this asshole Pat Robertson also said how we could avoid the same catastrophe if he send him some cash. Thank God for Rob.

  2. Okay so normally I just follow your blog because it gives me a weekly LMAO-giggle but wow. America has ALOT of assholes. I would have left the church too if they kicked someone out for being gay. And I'm curious how this Pat Robertson knows Haiti made a pact with satan in the 1800s. Was he alive then? Or does he just have special god-given superpowers?

    Anyway now that I've had a mini rant, cheers for the good read and can't wait to meet you on the Twilight cruise, if you're still going! :)

  3. Would you believe me if I told you I am actually a bit teary-eyed at the moment and feeling all "You go girl!"? Yep, I am. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for clearing up the difference between Pat Robertson and Robert Pattinson. Heh-heh. That is so funny that people on Twitter kept seeing our boy's name in that hate mongers name. The brain sometimes tricks us into seeing what we want to see SOOOOO badly all day long and all night long next to us in our beds...oh, uh sorry..back on topic. Thanks to you there shall be no more confusion. This post makes me want (even more) to hear the dull thud of your and my Vitamin R cans clinking together some day. Cheers! **sniff**

  4. @Adine - You're correct. We're def. "asshole rich" here in the US. And yes, I'm still Twilight Cruising. I will go even if no cast members do...because I want to see Alaska and it will be more fun to do it with Twihards. Can't wait to meet you!

    @VitR Girl, I love that my controversial Twi-rant made you weepy. We must make Rainier Beer Pong happen!

  5. (Standing up and applauding loudly)...Well said Mama C, well said!

    To quote the fabulous Shirley MacLaine in Steel Magnolias - Pat Roberston is "a boil on the butt of humanity!!"

  6. Incredible post, absolutely awesome. I swear I shall never confuse them...

  7. As a supposed-to-be-Catholic I totally empathize with you, Mama and I'm so glad you shared it with us. Thankfully I don't have idea who that guy is, and i'm going to continue with my happy ignorance. Muchos besos

  8. And you just spelled out exactly why I DO NOT believe in organized religion. However...I do believe in Twilighters gathering and rejoicing in the beauty God gave us with Rob, Taylor (he's legal next month so I can say that), Peter, Gil...and the list can go on. So rejoice my friend...rejoice!!!

  9. Mary, I so agree with you. Pat Roberson should never be allowed to speak into a microphone again. He really is the worst the christian faith has to offer. It boggles the mind that he has enough power and infuence to think he has to right to stand in front of a microphone and spout that bullshit.
    My New's Years Resolution for the past couple of years is to go to my little communitly church (less than 50 memebers) at least once a month. I still haven't achieved that resolution and I think some of it has to do with assholes like Pat Robertson. They really turn you away from your definition of religion.

    Oh, and on a COMPLETELY different topic. Thanks for recing Master of the Universe! That story rocks!!!!!!!!

  10. How did I miss this post!!!! RL kicked my ass this week, that's how. You did Illinois proud, Rob proud, and God proud. I didn't think it was possible to <3 you any more than I already did. I was so wrong. I'm teary, too, VitaminR.


  11. Don't have lots of time just let me are a genius! lol...loved the post!

  12. This is the post that's making me hit the Follow button. Fantastic. I'm part of the United Methodist church, but damned if I agree with their bigoted stance against gay and lesbian people. It's just stupid and wrong. Hell-- in 1967, there were states in this fine country in which I couldn't have gotten married since my spouse and I are different races. EVEN TODAY, there's an asshole judge in Louisiana who wouldn't marry us if we asked him. He says he feels sorry for "the children." Ahem. Anyway-- Loved this post!

  13. oMG, how could I have missed this gem? thank God 4 Rob Pattinson and thank God 4 Twitter - if it wasn't for the two I would have never stumbled upon your blog! What a shame that would be! BTW, I am not religious, but when I look at the pretty one I can't help thinking that if there's a God, it must be a woman.
    Great post!

  14. Pat Robertson is a crazy lunatic. Not to be confused with Rob, who is just crazy hot.

    @previous commenters, please don't let the squeaky wheels like this idiot turn you off to an entire group of people. I'm Catholic and I have about as much in common with Pat as you do: a pulse and planet earth. I don't hate gay people (at all!) or think that God punished Haiti, or New Orleans... I won't judge you for your beliefs, but please don't judge me based on mine (or worse, Pat Robertson's). That's called being closed-minded and judgmental, two things I think you typically accuse *us* of :)

    And let's face it, we can all agree that RP is evidence of divinity.

  15. Rob Pattinson is as much an evil and hateful blight on humanity as Pat Robertson is.