Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Day of Deflowering is Upon Me

There are days when I feel closer to my virtual friends than my RL besties. Today is one of those days...because, frankly, my RL friends would laugh their asses off at me and I'm too emotionally fragile to deal well with that kind of ridicule. In the immortal words of my RL sister Natalie, "everybody has their shit". Today, bloggy friends, you are downriver and you know which way the shit flows, correct? Okay then. Saddle up.

I lost my virigity at age 17.

BAM!

(I'll give you a moment to recover.)

Are we all good? Mmk. I will proceed.

This may be shocking.

IT WAS TOTALLY PLANNED.

I am the product of super liberal parents who begged me from age 14 or so to "come to them first" when I felt that my hymen was in danger of imminent breech. So, when I starting seeing a guy on a pretty regular basis, got the moisties and knew that his "itch" was also beggin' to be scratched, my mom hauled my ass to the gyno faster than RPatz grows facial hair. I came home with the little pink "wheel o' freedom" and showed the new boyf that we had exactly eight days of me ingesting these little magic baby-blocking pills until blast off. He literally marked the fucking calendar in red ink.


The day came (no pun intended) and his horny ass was on my doorstep with a shit eatin' grin on his face. My mom, after giving me the "this-is-gonna-suck-for-you-but-it-gets-better-I-promise" talk, had arranged to be "out to dinner and a movie" with my little sister and my dad was at work. I'm seriously surprised there wasn't some sort of checklist on my nightstand or some shit.

#1...Wash your girl bits

#2...Remind Sparky that you've never ridden the lightning rod before

#3...Foreplay is your friend

#4...Take a Tylenol

#5...Change your sheets

You get the idea. I mean...this wasn't your "backseat of a Pacer with steamed up windows/use an ancient glovebox condom" type of encounter. I pre-gamed with some softcore porn on HBO Late Night. I did a full leg shave. I gargled with Minty Fresh Scope. It was highly structured. Planned to the last detail. I was SO prepared for this life-altering event.

And yet, it still sucked.

So you see? No amount of planning made it better. This is why I am spending my day today, ingesting copious amounts of paxil/coffee and trying REALLY hard not to think too much about the impending event, and yet it is the prevailing thought weaving through my twisted, tangled grey matter.

My "Little Ashes" cherry is being popped today.



And I am seriously more nervous than that day back in November 1982 when the bumping of the uglies lasted all of 45 seconds and I ended up wondering if I'd ever get a chance to experience an orgasm before Sparky went all spastic on/over me.

For those of you wondering why on earth I haven't succumbed to temptation before now, the answer is simple. I simply could NOT bear to watch The Pretty One do man-on-man unless it was displayed on my vivid high-def 57" Sony Bravia. It just seems dirty...seedy....WRONG to watch it all condensed and grainy on my cheap Toshiba laptop. The infamous "tuck" is something that should only be allowed to exist in brilliant 1080p, kwim?


So, I remained "Little Ashes" chaste until today, when it became available for purchase on DvD in the 50 contiguous.

Still, I am as nervous as Jim Duggar hopping into bed on ovulation day.

Why?

It's not the gay secks. Hell, I watched the Tudors all weekend and it turns out that King Henry the 8th's court did more fudge-packing than the folks at Cadbury. I wasn't the slightest bit squeamish about that part. I found it...interesting. Sweet, even. Except when it got animalistic. Which was almost every time. And then I found it...strangely, ummm...hot?


All I know is that tonight, at about 7 p.m. CST, I will be huddled in front of the flat-screen with nothing between me and SalvadoRob Dali except my contact lenses.


And I'm scared shitless.

Somebody, anybody....please hold me.

And be prepared to help me change my sheets when it's over.

22 comments:

  1. I was really nervous to see it too and put it off as the last movie of Rob's that I watched but it is so beautifully made and such an emotional film. I truly loved it and it is now one of movies of all time. Rob's total transformation is stunning to the point that he becomes Dali in your mind. Please let me know how you liked it. Good luck.

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  2. I saw it in the theater..it played in Seattle. You can calm down. Rob is quite good in it. Javier is quite good. In fact all the acting is pretty good but the story and flow lacks a bit. The Javier/Rob scenes are hot...and I have NEVER felt that way about such scenes (haven't seen The Tudors yet). So take your chill pill, open an ice cold Vitamin R and sit back and relax. Oh and don't go breaking your pause button on the tuck scene...I know you will. XO

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  3. I've not seen it yet, either. Rest assured that I will be as nervous as you when the time comes for me to watch it...maybe this weekend when the kiddos aren't at home to interupt. Have fun and I want to know how it goes. Big squeezies and I'll hold your hand through it all and help with the sheets bb. Luv ya to pervy pieces!!

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  4. I just said earlier over at Edbrella that I have never watched it all the way through yet, however I plan on remedying that tonight once the kids are in bed. Looking forward to swapping notes on the whole experience ;o)

    LOL, I love it when the vw is relevant! Aresed! ;o)

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  5. I have not watched it, either. It was supposed to come to Indy, but never did. So, needless to say, I went straight to Target after work last night and purchased. I will be taking said movie to my friend's house (he's gay, BTW) and watching it tonight. I'm looking forward to it. After reading some slash fanfiction, I think I may find this movie very hot. Shhhh, don't tell my mother.

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  6. @Stan - you mean you started watching and were actually able to stop at some point? I bow to your maturity. I ain't got it.

    @Mickeefan It is hot, and yet so tragic. I mean...truly heartbreaking. I am wickedly liberal and it's painful to have to watch someone deny WHO they are to fit societal rules. Dali was truly a tortured soul and Rob amazed me with this gutsy performance. It literally changed the way I feel about the kid. Not that I objectify him any less, mind you. THAT can't be helped. - MC

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  7. Gah, can't wait to see it. That still from the film - you should've warned me to turn my camera on and snap a photo of myself, cause my facial expression was priceless. I can't fucking wait to watch it and gonna go try and download it right this instant.

    I have to say though, I love The Precious' body more in that image than in Twilight. I actually like them a little soft like that, as opposed to all hard, with muscles showing. It is only crucial that they're hard in the right place.

    Oh, and, I can't believe how fucking liberal your parents were. That is some seriously awesome attitude they had re your virginity. Gotta keep that in mind if I ever have kids.

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  8. @Jalena - Yeah, my p-rents were pretty damned awesome. They called themselves "liberalist" - meaning, liberal and realistic. I think as a result of that approach, I now have the same very open, very honest relaysh with my own kiddos.

    The "tuck" is very quick, and it's actually much more "cute" than sexy, he looks like such a little boy! It's endearingly adorkable.

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  9. Wow, raised Mormon under liberal parents. Definitely the most liberal Mormons I've heard of.
    Of course, I was raised by an Irish Catholic father and Jewish mother.

    Haven't seen little Ashes yet, it's on my netflix queue. Love both Dali and Mt. Patz.

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  10. Agreed. My parents were certainly unique! We were actually RLDS Mormons (a slightly more liberal offshoot) and my father was even a Deacon in the church for many years. He's retired now, but still attends. Maybe that's why I didn't hang in there with the Mormons...because our home life seemed a little hypocritical as it applied to the actual church doctrine.

    My mom was one of a 9-child devout Catholic when she married my dad (at age 19 because she was pregnant with me).

    So yes...I have a very "colorful" religious history, which is interesting because I do not attend organized church of any kind at the moment.

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  11. Thats crazy. Thanks for sharing. I love hearing about other peoples' backgrounds. Makes things much more interesting.
    I'm not a fan of vanilla. :)

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  12. Totally. Give me Rocky Road ANY day. ;-)

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  13. LMFAO! We should really be besties...lost my virginity at 17 as well, and had similar parents..maybe not as laid back, but pretty chill. My Mom hauled me off to the gyno as well!

    As for Little Ashes, I'm scared shitless to watch it. Can't beat to think of him with another man. Edward gone Gay..not for me. However, I will watch it, because I have to...MORBID CURIOSITY is a killer. And SHIT, is that really a full frontal (almost) of him??? Did he really show his sparkly pubes in the movie???

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  14. "bear" to think...god my typos are out of control tonight...need a beer.

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  15. sorry about the anonymous, I do that when I new to a blog. Test the water, but I felt most welcomed by you. I will no longer post anon, unless this becomes an AA support group.
    Side note, have you seen the movie Foxfire? YOu get to see Peter Facinelli's bare booty in the first 10 minutes, thought you'd like that

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  16. Yep...I've seen Foxfire and was all over Fach man's nekkid arse like white on rice. It has a lovely shape. Lucky Jenny! Glad you've come out of the closet. ;-)
    MC

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  17. Late to the party, Mary! Let's just say I was a little younger than 17 and move on, shall we? I did marry my first f*ck, though. There were a few in between, but after 29 years of marriage, I'm pretty sure he's going to be my last.

    My mom didn't bury her head in the sand, either, and got me on birth control (the little pink wheel...ha!...had forgotten about that until reading that), but no way in hell would she have taken my little sister off to a movie while Dad was at work so that I could use my twin bed with the butterfly comforter on it. LOL! Lots of parking/parties in the Illinois cornfields back in the day. Just sayin'.

    I already know from Twitter last night that you loved Little Ashes. Having watched so many clips on YouTube of the movie before hand, I was prepared and...and dare I say...excited about seeing it. I may have watched one scene in particular a few *coughfiftycough* times. *shivers*

    @MrCharlieGal - Foxfire...Facinelli's bare booty...must see!

    @Twired Jen - Don't forget to check out Mama Cougar's YouTube videos. Just click on the tab underneath her banner!

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  18. @Twired Jen The now infamous "tuck" scene lasts all of 2 seconds and you see exactly what is displayed in my screen cap. It's SO not close to sexual...it's like watching a little boy. And he's behaving so ridiculously that you can totally forget that he's OUR Holy Hotness.

    The scene were he rubs one out in the corner though? ***coughLisaIwatcheditliketwentytimescough***
    Ummm....well, THAT one is, um...er...MEMORABLE.

    MC

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  19. You know me oh so well. That be the scene I coughed about ;)

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  20. I love you. I'd marry you but STY might kick my ass and then possibly hunt you down and kill you.

    I haven't seen Little Ashes yet. I want to but I haven't had a chance to.

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  21. Holy shit...JJ wants to make it all official with me!! Listen bb, if yer surious re: gettin' hitched, I really think I could take STY. ;-)

    MC

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  22. This is the funniest fucking post I've seen in like...forever. I giggled at the parental prep (I got my "wheel" speech while going through the Burger King drive-thru...true story.

    Me: I'll take a Whopper value meal please. *mom pulls foward to wait for pickup window*

    Mom: You think it's time to get on birth control?

    Me: (Note that I'm 16) Umm, yeah...sure.

    Mom: Don't think that I condone anything by doing this.

    Me: Umm, ok. (Thinks to myself, you just handed me the keys to the slutmobile. Epic win!)

    And while the deed wasn't exactly memorable, it wasn't bad either.

    I have yet to watch Rob play hide the salami, but I'm looking forward to it and will follow your lead on saving it for the flatscreen instead of the computer.

    I'll report back ;)

    PS - "Jim Duggar on ovulation day" LMFAO

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