Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Expendables

I love shit.

I love to stir it.



I am a shit stirrer.

So yesterday, while working super hard at my office (and***coughtweetingcough***), I stumbled upon this HUGE, absolutely vile smelling pile of shit that is Lainey Gossip's blog. 
WARNING, do not click on this link unless you want to land your bare nekkid feet in a massive steaming mountain of putrid excrement and feel it squish between your toes.


You clicked on the link, didn't you? You're fucking incorrigible.

Fine, but don't blame me that there isn't enough brain bleach in the world to clean those Breaking Dawn Spoilers out of your head. 
Well, as long as the pile of shit is just sitting there, and you've managed to step in it despite my warning, I might as well stir.

Because that's what I do.

I stir shit.


WARNING: I am going to expand upon and invite discussion on Lainey's supposed script spoilers. If you're trying to keep your BD twymen intact, leave NOW. Go. Shoo. GTFO.


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You're still here? Well, ok then.

Commence shit stirring.

I don't normally read Lainey's blog because I'd rather spend my nine hours a day in front of the computer working very hard at my job, being a dilligent, dedicated employee and making myself indispensable in the workplace.

Well, that and the occasional tweeting, blogging, reading fanfic, surfing Tumblr, online shopping and social networking.

But yesterday, someone dangled the sparkle peen in front of my face and I did what any self-repsecting h00r would do. I chomped. And I'm not sorry.

First, it was interesting to learn that Lainey hated the book Breaking Dawn as much as I did. Stephenie Meyer should have named this book Freaking Yawn. Aside from the honeymoon and the 12 or so pages of vampire sex in the cottage, IT. WAS. BORING. I forced myself to keep reading in hopes that Edward would crush Jake's larynx with a smile on his face and say something like :

"I've been waiting four fucking books to do that, you pedophilic pussy."

I plowed through the second half of Stephenie's word vomit, literally praying that there'd be a vicious, venomy battle where Edward would exact his revenge on Felix for the Volturi chamber beat down, and  Bella would torture Jane by yanking out that fucking ridiculous bun hair by hair.

And until the final page, I held out hope that Bella would sprout a pair of testicles and tell Edward to cheer the fuck up or she'd suck the joy out of him through his Penis De Milo. And that he'd take her up on it.

Wow...that's ummmm.....disappointing.

As you all know, none of that happened. What we got instead was the vampire equivalent of the final courtroom scene in A Few Good Men. Lots of political posturing, mental manipulation, shouting and in the end, nobody really won. Only ONE vampire dies, and no one actually gave two shits about her anyway. Irina who?!?

The penalty for being a tattletale in the vampire world is death, apparently.

So when Lainey said in her blog:

 "VAMPIRE SEX ...they start mashing up against each other without restraint. Especially him. So there are a lot of accelerated motion quick cuts – him on top, then her on top, the camera’s speeding around them, they’re speeding around each other, like porn on 30x"

I died a thousand fucking blissful, euphoric deaths.

Please, God (Bill Condon), I beg you....let this be true. PLEASE!

And this:

"I’m told there will be a battle. You will “see” a battle. A vicious battle. And ...Some Cullens die. Wolves too. It’s total carnage."

I love carnage. Carnage is my friend. But wait one fucking minute. Cullens will die?!? Which Cullens?
I love the Cullens! And Wolves?

Well...I'll have to be honest and admit that both Jared and Embry have "expendable" stamped on their foreheads. They were marked for death from the day Condon got his hands on that script. Yep...in my mind, those two chicken-chomping, muffin-sucking hairballs are already dead and buried.

Sorry, boys. Aro's bustin' a cap in yo' asses.

But which Cullens are expendable?!?

It took me exactly 1.77245 seconds to figure out which Cullen falls victim to Condon's red pen of death. In fact, to me, it was ridiculously obvious. C'mon...you're thinking the same thing.

You know you are.

Tits to the tile ladies...you have to know it's gonna be:

KAPOW!!!

And if you really think about it, Emmett too. Because what would the ending be without a few tears?

So...what do YOU think? I'm very interested to hear your thoughts and theories. If it goes down like this, what kind of uproar will occur in the batshit crazy fandom? Protests on the steps of Summit HQ? Rioting in the streets of LA at the BD 2 premiere?

***Pulls spoon out of shit pot and stands back to watch the chaos unfold...***

GO. And don't hold back!

26 comments:

  1. LOL. for. ever.

    I still stand by killing of Renesmuhblahblah. just my opinion. Rose Hale is a close second though.

    WAIT. Maybe it's not a Cullen per se. Maybe Condon reads fanfic and he's gonna kill off the WHORE OF THE FIC WORLD: TANYA.

    Go Bill! Go Bill! *does the cabbage patch*

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  2. Yup, I read Lainey's lil tid-bit, and have been waiting for someone to bring it up so that I could discuss....

    I am soooo effing excited about the loads of sex that appear to be in our near future, however, a Cullen dying...Rosalie? Meh, who effing cares! Sweet, drama! Ok, admittedly, it would be sorta sad, but at least we'd have more excitement!

    Cheers to BD spoilers. My vag is gaping wide and ready for any & all that cum my way ;)

    xo J

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  3. Okay you warned me not to keep reading but I did anyway because I like to be a rebel.

    At first I was scared.. but then I thought about S.M. I don't think she'd let this shit fly. I'm pretty sure it's going to end just like the book. Maybe battle a little more but all in all no Cullens or Wolfs will be hurt in the making of this film.
    At least I hope.

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  4. I was excited to hear about an actual battle. I do hope this part is true. I can't imagine the movie ending as lame shits as the book with just all these vamps and wolves gathered just to jack each other off with words. We need blood and actual vamp/wolve fighting. If a few wolves die, oh well. I had the same reaction about hearing Cullens may die. At first I gasped, then I immediately thought of Emmett and Rosalie. It's the end of the saga so why not go out with a bang.
    I am encouraged with Bill. And HOT vamp sex. Hell yea. Just don't let "producer" SM get in the editing room. Someone at Summitt better book her an extended vacay w/ Pancho (or whatever his name is) stat. She needs to be permanently distracted and away from the editing room.

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  5. I fear vampire sex scenes will make me try to dry hump my television when this bitch comes out on DVD... non-stop. And my husband will have me committed and file for divorce. Shit. Why is it sofucking far away.

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  6. read those "spoilers" yesterday. guess we should take it with a grain of salt, but I'm BEGGING for the vamp sex to be true. PLEASEEEEEEEE!!!!

    And I'm all for a battle at the end. I had to take a break from reading the last 3/4 of Breaking Dawn because I got so bogged down with it all. When I came back and read the ending, I was like, "UHHHHHH, that's it?!?!" To make the movie go out with a bang, I don't see how they couldn't have some sort of final battle.

    As far as killing off some of the Cullens and/or Wolves go...I have mixed feelings. Some people say that Bella imagines the fight and that's where the cullens/wolves die. Alas, who really knows. Guess we'll have to wait until freaking November of 2012 to find out. Damn you whoever made that horrible decision. haha!

    Like I said, as long as we get some vamp smexing, I could care less who dies. okay, maybe not really...

    My only request is that the very last scene of the 2nd movie have a Bella/Edward moment. At the end of the day, it is about them...

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  7. I feel like the sex scene will make up for the fact that a Cullen has to die. Just bring on the ugly-bumpin', and I'm good to go.

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  8. I believe some of this. Because the ONE change they had to make is the battle. There has to be a battle. No question. Can they justify this battle without losing Cullens?? I think they can and they will...I think there will be heavy casualties all around...but the cullens are the smallest group so they could realistically get through with no losses. I think the visiting vamps group and the wolves will take the losses, at least I hope (just not garret, I freaking love him AND Lee Pace -- any Pushing Daisies fans..anyone..anyone??) And some Volturi of course. I am just having a hard time losing the Cullens...I hope it isn't true. (sniff -- I need my HEA, dammit)

    I think there will be shmexin--- but not to the extent Lainey is reporting...but who knows.

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  10. Ok. I'm sorry but there isn't an icebergs chance in hell that SM is going to let any of the characters DIE. Irina, yes. Cullens/Wovles, hell no. If you read the rest of Lainey's post, it also states that if you "know your shit" then you know how they will be able to pull this off and who it will involve. So naturally it seems reasonable to say that when Alice has her vision and drops and shatters the vase, she will see the battle, that at that point is going to happen, (because she has yet to find Nahuel). They will actually film the battle in her vision and yes there will be casualties, but none of it will end up taking place in the end. Summit would be in a shit storm of epic proportions if they killed a Cullen, regardless of who it would be. They are not THAT fucking stupid.

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  11. AND...although Stephanie seemingly loves to give the female population clits the color of smurfs, it does not bother me that she is a producer. Summit messes shit up all on their own. That is how we ended up with that "when pigs fly" scene of Bella riding off with Jacob on his bike IN FRONT of Edward. Hell. No. Bella would never make that choice. SM wasn't there that day and they told her they couldn't go back and re-shoot it by the time she saw it. Gawd that scene makes my blood boil. I do however hope she is not around when they shoot this Vampiah Smexin because I want every headboard in 100 mile radius to look like shredded wheat when they are finished with each other.

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  12. I read that the other day and the vamp sexy times sound good to me ;)

    I think we will "see" a battle but it will just be an Alice vision that spurs her to leave and find the other kid with a cra-zay name... anywho we're gonna get all JR Ewing'ed (loves me a good ol' Dallas reference) and it will be all just a vision and we live happily ever after without having to burn down Summit :)

    However if anyone truly dies I hope it's not any of the vamp boys I <3 them too much.

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  13. I'm totally diggin' the theory that the "battle" will be an Alice vision.

    However, this still makes the ending an epic snoozefest. I hope Bill Condon has one helluva big rabbit to pull out of his hat!

    @TwiredJen - the visual that accompanies your "gaping wide vag" is....interesting. ;-P

    MC

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  14. On her gossip thing about the fight scene I think she said
    "it should be hard to figure out how they manage this and what the conclusion will be."
    That makes me believe that they are either going to show it through Alice's vision or Bella's effed up whiny asshole.
    As for the wolves being expendable...I think if I had to pick two of them to go it would be Quil and Leah. Just sayin'. :-)

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  15. OOPS!!! I meant to write Shouldn't. hehehe!

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  16. Mmmm, now I have you at least thinkin' about my vag.

    *Whispers* it really isn't gaping wide ;)

    J

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  17. Wow, did I just become a spoiler whore?

    Okay, I have to say if the spoilers are true, I am completely on board with them. The vampire sex, sped up, I assume is so they don't get slapped with a R rating. I'm fine with that and I'm sure they will make it seem smexy, sexy.

    As for the battle scene, ABSOLUTELY!! I'm okay with wolves dying but I just don't know which Cullens they could decide to kill off. I guess I have a long time till we find that out. It is interesting though.

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  18. So, believe it or not, I sorta read the first half of this then skimmed to the bottom. I'm an admitted Just-The-Tip Twi-h00r. I have an incredibly morbid curiosity so I clicked your link yesterday on Twitter and it upset me! I will be kinda sad if they kill off a Cullen or a Dog, but I don't think that SM will allow it either. We shall see how it pans out...

    I fucking love you, Mama. You seriously crack me the hell up. ;)

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  19. If you think for 1 friggin minute Stephenie Meyer, who came on as a PRODUCER for the last 2 films by the way, is going to let any of the Cullens die or any of the wolves, then you guys are more delusional than I ever thought!
    My thoughts on this is if there is a huge battle, it is a vision of Alice or something like that, and maybe she envisions that there could be death - but no way Steph lets her creation end in such a way!
    Now for more vampire sex - bring it on! She inferred it in the book, make it happen on screen!

    Merry Christmas all!!!!
    @Twilightus

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  20. Like the last 3 movies, it's gonna be PG-13. Not R, Not NC-17...PG-13. Summit and the "wee ones" fans of the book has already shown us that.

    I vote they get the "older and wiser ones" fandom to have some input. Mama you write the script!

    Did you hear Kristen and Rob's commentary and how they made fun of her wig and talked about the "leg hitch"? Someone was lurking out there. How else would they know.

    This reminds me of the scene in Eclipse where the Cullens are wondering WHY the Volturi haven't "stepped in" to do anything.

    I can see Mama C rubbing her hands together...Muhahahaha!

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  21. All I can say is that I LOVE the intense passion my shit stirring has engendered in all your responses!

    And just think, we have 11 months until PILLOWBITE 2011 - the day our vaginas rejoice and collectively sing the Hallelujiah chorus in perfect harmony.

    MC

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  22. Carnage and sex? I'm down. Oh so VERY down.

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  23. I think they can (and should) keep the movie PG-13 (lots of mini-twih00rs need to get in), but push to the very limit of the rating for both the sex and the carnage. As to any main characters actually dying? Just don't think it's going to happen. But I'll be a spoiler-h00r with the rest of you for the next two years!

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  24. Okay, obviously the more sex the better. The battle - fuck yeah! I'd love that. But a Cullen dying? Uh-huh. Yes, I agree with you that Rosalie is the only dispensable vamp in that family, but I really don't think we need a heartbreaking ending. That would seriously piss me off. Not to mention the fact that I don't want to see my boy toy dying on screen (even if he does get slaughtered in Nightmare on Elm Street).

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  25. Maybe the end will be a massive meadow orgy. Hopefully Renesmee is removed before that though. Ewwwww...I just grossed myself out.

    I am assuming it is going to suck (I will love it anyhoo) and I will hopefully be happily surpised. Though this is unlikely because, like TwiredJen I am a full on spoiler hoor for these two movies. I will take them any which way with as many people as will have me....no protection in any position. Bring it.

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  26. ok mc heres my take on the cullens dying... alice sees a vision of the fight and jasper dying... or... bella dreams about the fight and cullens die in her dream... what do you think??

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