Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Twiporn Tweeting

I got an e-mail the other day, from a friend of my oldest daughter who works at the "Family Video". Think a moment about that franchise name and then as you continue to read, let the irony wash over you.

The email said:

Dear Mama, (all the kids call me Mama)

I was sorting in the "back room" yesterday and you'll never guess what I found. Did you know there is a TWILIGHT PORN MOVIE?!?!? Have you seen it? If not, I could bring it to your house and we could drink and watch it. Let me know.



Well, as it happens "B", thanks to my lovers at Twitarded and my soul sistah 17ForeverLisa, I was acutely aware of the existence of said porn movie, but no, I've never seen it.

I just......can't.

 Can't. Dew. It.

"Hey, Fast Eddie, didn't you say you had two brothers? 'Cause I don't have a hole in my chest, but I do have three other orifices just waiting to be filled."

Before you start to imagine me all stuffy and prudish, let me remind you that I used to make my Barbies perform oral on each other as outlined in this previous perverted post. I've seen plenty of porn in my day.
I'm sleazy, lewd and a completely depraved.

Hell, I regularly visit the website for the Tantra Chair because I'm fascinated by the erotic demo videos.

Well....go ahead. You can click the link. I'll still be here when you wake up get back, h00rs.

But the very thought of anyone else pretending to be a manwhore Edward, fucking a Bella with a meat curtains the size of Montana makes me wanna smother kittens. I just can't go there. There's something sacreligious about my warped, deviant mind.

Rob is my only Edward and Kristen is my only Bella.

End of story.

What's a porn lover to do?


Let's turn the real Twilight movie into porn!

Because in my ill, twisted grey matter, Robward and Krisella can be as hardcore horny and kinky as my mind will let them, as long as they're still my Edward and Bella.

So, in that vein, I bring you my apparently popular (based on the amount of times they were retweeted and the 50 followers I picked up) TwiPorn Tweets!

B - I know what I saw."
E - "And what exactly was that?"
B - "Your massive meat rocket stopped the van. You pushed it away with your rod."
B - "Are you gonna tell me how you stopped the van?"
E- "Yeah. I had an erection. It's very common. You can fondle it."

B - "I've considered penis pumps, and Viagra."
E - "What if it's not a boner? What if I'm the limp guy?"
B - "You're not. I can see what you're trying to jerk off. It's a dick."

E - "I feel....very....erect for you."
B - "So you swallowed me?"

E - "I don't have the stay out of you anymore."

B - "I know what you are."
E - "Say it. OUT LOUD."
B - "Porn star."
E - "Are you afraid?"
B - "No. Where are we going?"
E - "Up the poon tang, into the stank tank. You need to feel what I can do in your behind!"

E - "And so the Lion fell in Love with the Lamb."
B - "What a horny lamb!"
E -  "What a sadomasochistic lion."

B - "About three things, I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was hung. Second, I didn't know how dominant he wanted to be. And third, my anus was unconditionally, and irrevocably shredded by him."

E  - "I don't want to have a monster cock. I mean, it's like I can't fully satisfy you."

B - "Come to visit or fuck?"
Billy - "Actually, we just came to visit your flat chest. First pole dance of the season. Jacob here wanted to see it."

E - "What did you expect? Cock rings and floggers and ropes?"
 B - "Not the ropes."
E - "Not the ropes."

E - "Yeah, this is my room."
B - "No porn?"
E - "No, I,...I don't wank."
B - "Ever?"
E - "No, not at all."

E - "You'd better be tight, spunk monkey."

E - "How did you get in here?"
B - "I came on your window."
E - "Do that a lot?"
B - "I like to watch you queef. It's kinda fascinating to me."

There's so much more where this came from. (No pun intended.)

Just think - I haven't even explored the porn possibilities in New Moon or Eclipse!

Come on....I know you VagSlices are just as corrupted as I am. Get creative and share your favorite TwiPorn lines with me in the comments.



  1. Ok, I was there for the live tweets and still peeing my pants here. Gotta go change the sheets.

    PS Forrrrrrrrrrkkkkkssssss! I think my plane lands in168 hours!

  2. No Twilight porn for this girl.

    But your quotes are hi-larious!!!

  3. I was lucky enough to experience some of this the day you were tweeting. Genius.

    xo J

  4. OMFG, these are hilarious. I especially laughed at Billy's line. Hahaha. Brilliant.

    Sorry, I'm not creative enough that way to contribute, but I'll gladly come back and read some more.

  5. oh my mama.. i'm covering my mouth so i don't laugh outloud (still at work)... thank you!

  6. E - "What did you expect? Cock rings and floggers and ropes?"
    B - "Not the ropes."
    E - "Not the ropes."

    I like your version better and funnier!

  7. Hey, I had the "Porno Barbies" too. Were yours the hardcore or softcore version? lmao I totally agree about there being only one B/E. Therefore, when I read porno fanfics I also have my tumblr feed rolling and imagine they are B/E doing the dirty, but it can't show their faces or it kills it. Ha, works well. Who was it that said "men" were visual creatures. Anywhoo, there is actually a WEIRD parody of Twilight on Netflix and it was pretty raunchy.