Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Ode to Mr. Marshmallow

In November 2009, somewhere on a quiet airport tarmac in Paris, Kristen Stewart clutches Robert Pattinson's hand before boarding an airplane. Rob smiles.The Twitter whale was nearly speared and the internet imploded as the hearts of delusional  hopeful women around the world were shattered.

Let's give 'em something to talk about.

For the next nine months, the pair are hounded by the paparazzi. Despite Rob's desperate pleas and Kristen's attempts to blind them with the lasers she can apparently shoot from her middle fingers, the little picture-snapping parasites were relentless in their pursuit of THE photo. That photo. THE ONE that would bring the Twifandom to it's knees in either elation or despair, depending on your "Robsten/Nonsten" status.
And finally, in August 2010 on a street in Montreal, one of the heinous little bottom feeders finally captured the money shot.

Fuck it. I haven't seen you for two weeks and I WANT that mouth.
You had me at "fuck it".

Meanwhile, on a Holland America cruise ship bound for Alaska, occupied by approximately 1300 geriatric patients fresh out of hip replacement rehab and 500 batshit crazy Twilight Fans, Michael Welch is spotted canoodling repeatedly with a girl I can only describe as cuter than a newborn baby's bottom, and nobody...and I do mean, not ONE single person gives a flying fuck.
What? No love for Mr. Marshmallow? No illicit photos sold to the highest gossip site bidder?

Jesus Mama, what's with the huge rack?
I put the good bra on for you Mike.

Mike will be the first to admit that he lives in the deep dark shadow cast by the behemoth star power of Robert Pattinson. He even mentioned at our Q and A that he'd seen comments on videos and pictures of himself that stated, "He's handsome....just not swoonworthy."

Well Mike darlin', I beg to differ. I saw your sweet lil' buns in those dark wash jeans while you were chatting up the concierge at the hotel, and I'll be damned if I didn't choke on my Starbucks. Then, you turned around and smiled with those piercing blue eyes and I thought, "Bella, your prom night had serious hidden potential and you blew it. Newton totally would have popped your cherry and it would have been GOOD."

Mr. Welch, you have been agrediously underestimated.

Not "swoonworthy"? Are you girls fucking blind?!?

In all seriousness, I want you all to know that Micheal Welch is a true gentleman, and a real, genuine nice guy. He was brave enough to agree to be trapped on a cruise ship with rabid (occasionally emabrassingly immature) Twihards and he pulled it off with a grace and dignity that I'm not sure many men could muster.
His ridiculously sweet girlfriend tolerated a week of women staring, screaming, and ogling at her man. She was remarkably patient with those trying to monopolize her boy's time and attention. Did I mention she was adorable?

Plus - the dude has a healthy sense of humor. He knows he's riding a massive tidal wave that may never roll in again, and damnit if he doesn't plan to shred that wave all the way to the shore. He's not afraid to laugh at himself. He's self aware enough to know that if his acting career falls flat, he has a future as an '80's Karaoke performer.

Bohemain RIPsody

Every Twilight actor has a "signature move". Rob's is the sex-walk-paired-with-fuck-me-stare. Taylor's is the dazzling-smile-shirtless-ab-flex. Kristen's is the blinky-lip-bite.

Mike's is the "Bow-Chica-Wow-Wow" dance. It's genius, really. No special training or tree required.

Before I close, I just want to share a few more adorable "Mike" moments that have turned me into a lifelong Welch fan.

*  While playing a serious, Forest-Gump style round of ping-pong with his girl on the deck of the ship, an obviously starstruck teenage boy asked if he could play and Mike shook his hand, introduced himself and said "let's do this". What followed was one seriously badass game of ping-pong that had Mike dripping with sweat. I didn't ogle. I swear.

*  He very dutifully signed the absurdly silly t-shirt I brought along. He concentrated on his very best cursive handwriting, despite the fact that the fucktard behind me actually asked him if he'd be willing to sign her boob. I really, really wish I was kidding. Bitch is lucky I wasn't close to anything sharp or I may have ended up in the ship's brig or walking the plank, clutching said boob.

*  On our departure day, SeaTac airport was an asylum. Papa, Lil' Cougar and I wandered around for 30 minutes looking for a table to crash at so we could eat, and who did we stumble upon but Mike and his sweet pea girl as they were absorbed in one another, whisper-giggling. He leaned in and kissed her temple. I suppressed the "awwwww" threatening to escape my lips, when they looked up and recognized as as fellow Twi-Cruisers. Fighting what must have been an overwhelming urge to haul ass out of there, instead, they said "You can have our table...we're headed to our gate." We helped them clear the garbage, Mike thanked us and smiled, and we wished them a safe trip home. A normal exchange with a normal guy who just happens to have appeared in three of the biggest grossing films in the past two years.
Lil' Cougar and I give you a run-down of the Twilight Fans Cruise
Will we do this again? I don't know. The next Twilight Fans Cruise is scheduled in June 2011 and is a 10-Day Mediterranean jaunt that departs from Rome and features a post-cruise land excursion to Volterra AND Montepulciano.

I have two kids in college and one still at home.
And a mortgage.
And car payments.
And an impending pilgrimage to FFFFFOOORRRKKKSSS.

It's not looking likely, unless I hit a jackpot of some sort or win an out of court settlement in my current "emotional distress" lawsuit against my RV dealer.

So Mike, if you go on this one, I'll miss you. But don't worry, I'm a Welchaholic now. I'll even go see your creepy-ass new movie.


Deal, Mr. Marshmallow. 


  1. What a great tribute post to Mr. Marshmallow. So glad you had such an awesome time on the cruise. Tell Lil' Cougar I absolutely LOVE her hat!!


    P.S.: I think they showed a little too much in his movie trailer.


    P.S.S.S.: Big Robsten smooches. LOL!

  2. I so love this article about mr. marshmallow.

  3. Mom, just win a shit ton of money playing "Kitty Glitter" ok?

  4. @17ForeverLisa - Sarah LOVES that hat and we got SO many comments on it. Fake Alice was obsessed with it and kept telling Sarah how much she loved it. It was funny. Also - FFFFOOOOORRRRKKKKSS!

    @Cap'n - I wish baby, Mama wishes. If there were any way to make it work, we'd have ours asses on that cruise ship fasho.


  5. What a wonderful post about an underrated member of Twilight. I know Mike Newton is not a catch but I always liked Michael Welch. He is a cutie patootie and he is getting better looking every day. I think he has the perfect personality for Mike Welch and I am curious to see what else he does.

    I am glad you had such a good time on the cruise and I love that he gave up his table for your family at the airport - very cool. So normal and regular - as it should be :)

    Can't wait to watch the vids when I get home.

    I need to check out that cruise for next year but I don't think I have any time left already for next year LOL!!!


  6. Fan fiction has not been good to poor Mike. We forget that Mike Newton from the REAL TWILIGHT wasn't a douche bag as he is portrayed in most fics. I'm totes glad to hear he's a nice guy in real life, too.

  7. Fantastic post MC! I love your tribute to Mike and I must say that it's very convincing. Great to know that he's a genuinely nice guy. My friend met him at a Twi conv in AU and said the same exact thing.


    xo J

  8. Awwww he has always come across on screen as being a really nice guy... I'm glad that is true. Really awesome that he recognized you at the airport squeeeee!!

  9. I was on the Twi Cruise as well! I saw you, but didn't introduce myself (yeah...too embarassed to introduce myself to Twi celebrities, yanno). Loved your rockin' version of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!" Mike was da bomb...even with the technical difficulties in the Family Feud game. He was a true professional and sooooo funny!

  10. WHOA WHOA WHOA Rena - You didn't say hello?!?!? This totally bums me out. HARDCORE. I would have loved to have met you.

    Now I have a sad. ;-(

  11. Awwww....well, go on the next one & I'll say "hello!" How 'bout that?! I actually recognized your hubby first in the terminal. I was saying to myself, "I think I know that guy! He looks soooo familiar!" Who am I, little ol' me, to approach Twi bloggy royalty?!

  12. Oh hell no...did you just call me "royalty"? 'Cause I'm about as regal as Roseanne Barr. I'm definitely the Blue Collar Tour of the blogoshpere.

    And sadly, I won't be going on the Mediterranian Cruise. Hubs and I really enjoy owning a home & having food to eat, so it's pretty unlikely unless I have a rich relative drop dead that I could scrape together that amount of cash in less than 10 months.



  13. You are so spot on about Mike. He was genuinely nice and that honestly surprised me. I had heard he was a nice guy but until you experience the full "Mike Welch Effect" you just don't know. He had a most fabulous sense of humor and when he saw my "Ish..." tshirt he shook his head and laughed at it. When he thought I was serious about kicking his ass in ping pong and said "Really?" and I looked at him and said "Ummm...no" it was cute how he snickered. He is an all around good guy. Very few of those in Hollywood. From what I have been told Mike and Chaske had a great time and were going to go back to the set telling everyone what they missed out on.

    I'm most definitely going on the Mediterranean trip and will have a moment of silence for you MC and mourn that you will not be with me.

  14. I'm glad you had such an awesome time and Mike turned out to be quite a gentleman and all around nice person. Very brave of him to bring his girlfriend along. I volunteerd at the Parsippany Twi Convention two weeks ago and some were none to kind to Chaske’s girlfriend.

    Ooh the Mediterranean - that sounds like an awesome first cruise experience. one that i could likely get non-Twihard to do too

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