Thursday, June 17, 2010

Breaking News! Breaking Dawn. Broken Up. Really?

Unless you're rotting somewhere in a Turkish prison, you've no doubt heard the "official" announcement from Summit that the fourth installment in the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn, will be divided into two movies. Lots of other details are still being speculated....2-D or 3-D, PG-13 or R, yada fucking yada, yada.

Frankly, for me, the discussion is irrelevant. I will see both movies on premiere night, regardless of rating or whether Rob's hands appear flat or seem to reach out & grope my bewbs. And as history has shown, I will initially be so smitten that I won't see the inherent, unavoidable flaws and I'll rave for days about how awesome it was.

The honeymoon will be over after my 10th in-theatre viewing. I'll find little nit-picky shit I don't like, but I'll conclude that it doesn't matter at all because for fuck's sake, they are in the movie and they finally DO IT. I've been waiting since December 2008 for these kids to hook up. You could chain my double D's to an atomic bomb, but I'll still go to the theatre to see this gloriousness, as many times as my schedule will allow for.

That's the depth of my addiction.

"I'm totes looking down your dress."
"Yeah, I know."

Still, I wonder, how will there be enough content for two, full-length movies? Yes, Breaking Dawn the book was very long, but just about the easiest of the four to cut unnecessary content from. Here, let me help you by providing a synopsis, Mama Cougar Cliff's Notes style:

-Bella & Edward get married. Jacob "The Situation" Black is devastated, and the only person who cares is Leah because she's a wolf-woman scorned whose Xanax prescription has expired.

-Edward takes Bella to an island honeymoon and pops her ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb.

-Having finally experienced the Glittergun first hand, Bella becomes a raging nympho. Begging, pillow biting, furniture destruction, and the shredding of sexy La Perla lingerie ensues. 

-Natch, the lame ribbed Trojans they brought along were no match for Edward's gargantuan, granite, prism peen. Bells gets preggers. 

-Edward goes all self-flagellating rageball & wants Carlisle to Hoover the vampbryo. Bella refuses and hires Rosalie to her guard her uterus. Alice books them all an appearance on Jerry Springer, and then skips Forks to bone some dude she met at the Rainforest Cafe.

-Bella gives birth to a bi-species baby and exsanguinates all over Carlisle & Esme's cream-colored shag carpet. Again. Edward noms on her and saves her life with his vampdrool. The ugly duckling becomes a swan. Millions die of metaphor overdose.

"Permanent semi, Edward? That's quite the irony."

-Jake dies inside and we all laugh sadistically at his pain. Tortured, he isolates himself and becomes a pedophile. Everyone knows, but seems to enable him. A follow-up Jerry Springer episode is booked.

-Law & Order, Special Vamp Unit is called in because Baby Renesmasupercalifragalisticexpialadocious is somehow a threat to inhumanity with her rapidly growing hair & weird face-stroking fetish.

-The Cullens and the Quileutes merge into one tribe called the Cullutes & get orange buffs. (Or was that the Quillens? Whatev.) Nobody is voted out at Tribal Council because Bella found the hidden immunity idol in her own brain.

-I fell asleep during this part but I think Dr. Phil showed up with Alice & talked everyone down from the meadow by reminding them that when they "choose the behavior, they choose the consequence".

-SVU tucked tail & slunk back to the precinct in Italy, Jake joined the Priesthood, and Edward & Bella dumped the kid with the g'rents so they could fuck like jackrabbits for a couple of weeks & let off steam.

"Bella, baby?" "Yes?" "There's a playroom in the basement." "I'll get the checkbook."

-Edward & Bella lived happily ever after in Snow White's cottage that they purchased after it went into foreclosure because the dwarfs all had to go to court-ordered rehab.

That's about it, right? Can that really be two movies?!?


  1. LOL @ the La Perla!! Nicely done!

  2. Ha ha. I don't see how they can make it into two movies. There was a little too much (did I just say that about Twilight?) in Breaking Dawn with description of gathering all the other covens of vampires. That can be told in a lot less. I am just ready to see Isle Esme scenes with more details than Stephanie put in.

  3. That blog was too funny and just made me laugh out loud (I refuse to put this into abbreviated form). I've now woken up my housemate so if I now die, know that you have allowed me to die with a smile on my face! F***ing glittergun.

  4. And that's all there is to it!! Hahahahaha! I agree 100% on your analysis...couldn't have said it better myself!! :) I for one think the whole "Jacob" book can be cut into 10 min of film...I don't see enough material for 2 movies...where is the cut gonna be? :)

  5. I love you, Mama Cougar. You are a wise woman.

  6. Oh my YES PLEASE! Can you get together with the Hillywood kids to make a parody of this? Cause it would be amazeballs.

  7. Bwahahahahahaha! That is pure genius my friend. Your brain kills me. I can't wait to down some VitaminRs with you. Now that you have stated your position (heh-heh, just sit back and relish the fact that we will have another big screen experience with The Precious. Let all the other extaneous stuff float away.

  8. "Play room in the basement?" Like the red room of pain? LMAO!

    Glad to see you posting!

    xo J

  9. Okay, I just spilled a glass of nice cab all over my keyboard from laughing so hard. BRAVO! I heart your fine sense of humor. And am sending you some virtual chocolate as thanks.


  10. Nobody is voted out at Tribal Council because Bella found the hidden immunity idol in her own brain. PMSL!!!

    Soul Sista, this is another epic post. I could quote more, but it would have to be the whole thing.

    There was so much they could have cut out to make it one long movie, but if Rob(sten)'s up for doing it (she said that), then I'm up for watching them (she said that, too).

    And not to be nit-picky, but one of the multiple (orgasm) times I see both movies had better be with you!

    @Twired Jen - Isn't it awesome to be able to get the MotU reference? I've even skimmed enough of The Office to get the La Perla reference. Yay me!

  11. So glad the fic reader among you caught my little "easter eggs" in this post!

    @17ForeverLisa - We are so deeply bonded that NATCH I will see both movies with you at least once. Mebbe twice, 'cause we'll need to be drunk for at least one of them.

    @VitaminR Shit's 'bout to get real between you & me. ;-)


  12. This is hilarious!! I love it, sums it up perfectly!

  13. I don't know why you are such a lazy should blog more!

    I fucking puffy heart you version as much as Bella love Glittergun!


  14. @Twidanny, I know right?!? I'm fucking British Petroleum LAZY!!!

    I promise I'll try to get my shit together. I could piss & moan a million excuses but there really is no excuse for not verbally vomiting on you all more than I do.


  15. Amazing post! How do you come up with this stuff???? LOL I wish I was that creative. I love your version!!! You crack me up lady! I never really thought about it until you mentioned it - how ARE they going to fill up 4 hours of movie? Meh - I dont' care, just give me extra Isle Esme!!!
    Thanks for making my day! CU SOON!!!!!!!

  16. LOL- Thank you for such fuckawesome cliffnotes version of BD. I love this line "Bella & Edward get married. Jacob "The Situation" Black is devastated,"- I'm still picking out apples bits from my keyboard.