Monday, April 26, 2010

The Eclipsalypse Cometh

Holy Mary, Mother of Cyberspace, last Friday was a shit storm on the good ole' interwebz!! My twitter feed was constipated dominated all damn day by Twihards either excited beyond belief, or wicked disappointed in the "final" Eclipse trailer which premiered on The Oprah Show.

Wait.....whadda fuck?!? The Oprah Show?!?

Well...that's certainly a "cutting edge" decision from the genius folks in Summit's marketing department. And by cutting edge I mean so catastrophically stupid and devoid of common sense it's mind boggling to those of us with even a sub-par IQ. What the hell is in the water at Summit's corporate headquarters that causes what I assume are relatively intelligent human beings to make such epically idiotic marketing decisions?

I imagine the board room convo went something like this:

Marketing Genius #1: "Well, the New Moon trailer premiered on the MTV Video Awards. We shot pure Twi-adrenaline right into the arms of our target audience, whipping the fandom into a frenzied tidal wave that we rode straight through to opening weekend. As a result, the movie broke box office records and went on to earn eleventy-gaziilion dollars for the studio."

Marketing Genius #2: "Fuckity-fuck, we can't have that happening again, our actors might get huge egos and demand decent salaries! Let's try something new. Let's scare the shit out of the fandom by firing the editor while we're balls-deep in post production, and then start rumors that we don't like Slade's cut of the movie, and we need last-minute reshoots. Then, we'll threaten to hire Hardwicke to do them."

Pimply-Faced Intern: "But Sir, that's all true."

Marketing Genius #2: "SHUT IT you little pisstard - and refill my Jack & Diet Coke. Then, let's put together a trailer that has zero of our core story, angle it to attract men to see the movie by stuffing it full of action & CGI, and then premiere it on a show that airs during the day and to a demographic of almost exclusively women ages 25-60, therefore COMPLETELY missing our target market!"

Marketing Genius #1: That's absolutely brilliant. We are officially smarter than God. Do you think we'll get a raise?

Marketing Genius #2: Does Kristen Stewart smoke weed?!?


Okay, before you all crucify me, let me just say that I do love Oprah, and I didn't hate the trailer. I just wasn't blown away by it. And damnit, considering all the hype and secrecy surrounding the making of Eclipse, I wanted so fucking much to be shocked & awed. I was shocked, but not awed.

Here's my reaction vid from the YouTube Channel:

Natch, my hubby, being a testosterone-based life form, thought the trailer was "badass" and now he's more excited for 6/30 than I am. Apparently, Alice going all "Matrix & shit" is hot. Whatever.

As for me, I just wanted more of Edward and Jacob in a pissing match over Bella (cough*tentscene*cough), and more of deliciously horny Edward almost losing his shit and straight-up impaling Bella in his bedroom (ahem*leg-hitch*ahem) on that coppery-silk bedding which I am in LOVE with and of course, can't find anywhere.
Hence, my preference for the new "mash-up" trailer which makes me feel oh, so much better:

Oh, and let me just ring in on the ring.

I've heard many people say it's hideous and they hate it, yet it fits Steph Meyer's description from Eclipse, nearly exactly. You can't bitch that you want absolute, by-the-book authenticity and then whine like Jessica's New Moon zombie rant when you get what you asked for. Besides, something tells me that Kristen saw that ring and said "Hot Damn...that's so fucking ugly that I want it."

Hell, don't tell me that if Edward tried to slip that puppy on your finger you'd balk. The boy could offer me a plastic spider ring from a gumball machine at Wal-Mart and as long as it meant I was getting laid on Isle Esme, I'd be grinnin' like a cat shitting razor blades.

Just sayin'.


  1. Your ability to never cease to sum things up beautifully (both in the twiworld and the real world) might be what I love most about you, Mama.

  2. I could not agree with you more on my feelings towards the Eclipse trailer. I like the 2 in 1 mash-up much more, but still it didn't give me goosebumps like the New Moon trailer did.

    I am however super stoked about the cast being on the show. Cannot wait for 5/13!

    PS LOVED your youtube vid to Oprah.

    xo J

  3. I'm with you, Mama. Worst target demographic ever. Unless the marketing team was thinking something like this:

    Marketing Genius #1: So now that we got the target teen audience licking the inseams of our trousers thanks to the New Moon/MTV collab, whaddaya say we do something a little different. I know there's a pack of cougars out there sucking up smutty Twilight fanfiction like it's leaking from Rob's own cock, so why don't we post the new trailer to the 25+ crowd instead of the 13-25ers. We can get all of those MILFs randy and ready to throw down serious dough on the franchise.

    Marketing Genius #2 That's fucking brilliant. Don't forget to put that leg hitch scene in the very last preview before it opens. You know those panting whores are desperate for that shit. Hold it back for another couple months. They'll be waiting.

    Marketing Geniuses 1&2 fistbump and go back to their Scummy corners of the Scummit universe

  4. I don't know which one of you all made me laugh more! I thought the whole Oprah thing made no sense at all. I love the mashed version, too. The whole ring issue is ridiculous because as you said it matches SM's description.

  5. So true a bunch of idiots running that company.
    atiaofthejulii1 on twitter.

  6. loved your video of your initial reaction to the trailer. I admire your restraint....ignoring the links all day? Wow!

  7. Hey, MC!! Nice talking to you on the phone tonight. When I told you RL had kicking my ass and I was behind blogs, I meant it. I had no idea you had posted your trailer reaction video or were tweeting your little heart out today. I have my fingers crossed for you!!

    The trailer definitely has an edge to it. All I can say is that there had better be tons of special moments between Edward and Bella or I'll hold Slade while you wield the knife. Just sayin'.



  8. loved the video commentary!

  9. I laughed out loud to the end of your post about the ring and it being presented by Edward.