Mama's got a brand new Den!

Yeah, I know....I know. I've been gone. Absent. Unaccounted for. MIA. AWOL.

Where have I been, you ask? It's a simple call of nature my bloggy friends. It's animal instinct, no sense in fighting it.

I am a Cougar.

It's winter.

I hate fucking winter.

What do warm blooded, forest dwelling, Twilight-obsessed mammals DO in the winter?

We Twibernate.

For the last two weeks, I've been curled up on my futon wrapped in my Edward blankie,

Wearing my new hoodie:

reading Fanfics & Twiporn and scanning the interwebz, poised to pounce on any teeny, tiny amount of Twilight related info, including but not limited to Robsten's holiday plans, New Moon box office news, Eclipse info, Justin Chon's second cousin's Korean birthday party...hell, at this point I'm scraping the bottom of the Twi-Coke bag people! This post New Moon drought has left a painful, aching void in my life and I'm desperate to fill it.

As a sort of therapy, I banished my son to a vacant basement bedroom and turned his former room into my new den. Whenever I start to feel withdrawls, I retire to my little slice of heaven on earth and listen to my scores & soundtracks on repeat:

or I watch my collection of Rob & Kristen's "other movies":

or I recruit some poor sap to play one of my Twilight games, play with my Cullen Car Collection, and in moments of total desperation, I read my magazines and Twilight books, AGAIN.

I'm even debating adding a mini-fridge for my wine and the new beer hubby bought me to try:

Hell, last night, the withdrawls were so bad, I just sat there all Bellatonic as the words "January", "February", and "March" encircled my head! You think I'm fucking kidding, right?

SO. NOT. KIDDING.

I need a distraction people, and NO, I don't want to eat pizza in my garage and rebuild two-wheeled death machines with a stacked 17-year-old.*

All I know is that this Twi-drought had better end soon, or I may resort to diving off my roof into the damn snow drifts in the hope that my brain will freeze and be cryopreserved until Spring, or at least until the Twi-crack flows freely once again.

Find me on Twitter, because Mama needs some help.

*I would however, consider ANY activity in my garage or elsewhere that includes a certain 23-year-old with facial scruff, unruly hair and delightfully nommable happy trail.

The Twelve Days of Twismas

Well, Hello Sweets! Yeah, it's been a week. That's about the extent of my abilities. Let it be known that IFHRL (*see last week's entry for the translation) and if anyone would like to volunteer to pay me redonkulus amounts of coin to stay home and read Fanfic & write blogs, I'd leave my gorgeous almost-corner office faster than Rob can incite a riot. But, as reality would have it, this Mama still has three cubs to support, a real life hunting job, and a den that I keep obessively clean. So...once a week is all I can hit ya.

This week, we're going caroling. We're visiting all the other bloggy sites and they will welcome us with open arms, enjoy our holiday serenade and then serve us Edward/Jake cupcakes and warm Isle Emse cider. Are we ready? Sopranos...move to the left, altos to the right, baritones, in back. That's perfect. Now, open your songbooks to page one.

The Twelve Days of Twismas

On the first day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

A Robsten in a pine tree.

On the second day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Two homo lovers....
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the third day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Three French pap pics...

Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the fourth day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Four cast members calling...

Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the fifth day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

FIVE GLORIOUS FINGERRRRRRRRS!

Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the sixth day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Six "Geese at Twilight" shoes...(OMG, you'd be amazed at the shit that pops up when you Google "goose twilight")

Five Glorious Fingers!
Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the seventh day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Seven Swans fail at swimming...

Six Geese at Twilight shoes...
Five Glorious Fingers!
Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the eighth day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Eight ways to milk Rob's popularity...

Seven Swans fail at swimming...
Six Geese at Twilight shoes...
Five Glorious Fingers!
Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the ninth day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Nine wolves-a-dancing...

Eight ways to milk Rob's popularity...
Seven Swans fail at swimming...
Six Geese at Twilight shoes...
Five Glorious Fingers!
Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the tenth day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...

Ten Lautner's Leaping...

Nine wolves-a-dancing...
Eight ways to milk Rob's popularity...
Seven Swans fail at swimming...
Six Geese at Twilight shoes...
Five Glorious Fingers!
Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the Eleventh day of Twismas, Twilight gave to me...


Eleven hits on Kristen's (hash)pipe...

Ten Lautners Leaping...
Nine wolves-a-dancing...
Eight ways to milk Rob's popularity...
Seven Swans fail at swimming...
Six Geese at Twilight shoes...
Five Glorious Fingers!
Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...
And a Robsten in a pine tree.

On the twelvth day of Twismas, Twilight sent to me...


Twelve strummers strummmg...
(Well...eleven strummers and one PFach bum...yummm)

Eleven hits on Kristen's (hash)pipe...
Ten Lautners Leaping...
Nine wolves-a-dancing...
Eight ways to milk Rob's popularity...
Seven Swans fail at swimming...
Six Geese at Twilight shoes...
Five Glorious Fingers!
Four cast members calling...
Three French pap pics...
Two homo lovers...

Aaaaaaaaand a Robsten in a pine treeeeee!

Twi-Acronyms 101: The Art of Twi-Tweeting

Well...hello there, you 27 28 people who read my randomness! Sorry I've been a little MIA; I've basking in the post-coital bliss of New Moonness and for the past three days, my brain was hijacked by two new fanfics rec'd by my tweeples @LolaShoes and @KStew411.

Have you ever read something so incredibly alluring that it's like words, phrases and fictional characters are feeding you champagne-dipped strawberries and then making sweet, passionate love to your gray matter? Someone? Anyone?

***crickets***

La Canzone Della Bella Cigna

You can come back and thank me later for that little literary love-nugget.

Conversely, have you ever had your heart heave lustily and your pantied-parts pucker painfully while delicious porn prose whispers naughty nothings into your ear?

Master of the Universe

I'll expect MORE than thanks for that one. I expect eternal, ceaseless devotion and outright fucking worship.

Enough of my diversionary sucking up. The real reason for this post besides shamless Fanfic pimping is to edumacate my little pride of cougars in the fine art of Twilight-related acronyms. So...everyone go grab a notepad and pen (JJ and Snarky...I see that neither of you have managed to find more than a red crayon and a Tide pen...WTF? We'll wait. And VitaminR? You can't write this shit on the paper towel you're using as a coaster under your beer can...go get some damn paper please.)

All set? Good. Let's do this.

For some odd reason, there are 103 people 109 inmates on Twitter who give a shit about what I have to say. It turns out we have a little TwiTweet family going on which is both amazingly dysfuctional and highly addictive.

What's funny is that unless you puss out and use TwitLonger, you only have 140 characters to work with. I'm somewhat of a Twitter purist. Only pussies who aren't smart enough to embrace brevity, but instead insist on violating the spirit of Twitter use Twitlonger. If you can't say it in 140 letters are less, you're a TwitFail in my book.

To this end, a very interesting collection of Twilight-based acronyms have been developed so that we can commuicate random, often convoluted thoughts via Twitter, while still sticking to our 140 character, "brevity-is-the-soul-of-wit" Twitter Law.

Here's where your pencils and paper come in handy.



#1) HWMNBL - He Who Must Not Be Laid. This refers to Edward Cullen and is a parody of "He Who Must Not Be Named" Voldemart moniker from the Harry Potter Series. Be careful using it! It ONLY refers to Edward Cullen, and NOT Robert Pattinson.

RPatz is referred to as TPO a.k.a. The Pretty One or TSO, The Sparkly One, or HWMBLR, He Who Must Be Laid Relentlessly. They are two entirely different and often oppositional beings, trust me.

#2) In the Twitiverse, there are a million ways to express suprise, anticipation, or incredulousness and they almost all start out with FM, or Fuck Me. Variations include FMR - Fuck Me Running, FMS - Fuck Me Sideways, FMaMWTS - Fuck Me a Million Ways to Sunday and FMUDiaCC - Fuck Me Upside Down in a Clown Car. See? The possibilities are endless for complete and utter fuckery of the English language. Leave your best FM's in my comments!

#3) Kristen Stewart is ripe for acronym assigment, but the most popular ones are TW - which stands for The Want (because of the constant "wanting" expression on her face), QoBA - The Queen of Badass and TLBIAKU - The Luckiest Bitch in Any Known Universe, which refers to the fact that she's boning HWMBFR.

And now...for the rapid fire portion of this lesson. Perhaps making use of cut-n-paste is a better option than the ole' paper-pencil method here:

#4) DHLtEB - Dry Hump Like the Energizer Bunny (as in MY GOD, his face makes me want to DH him LtEB.)

#5) SPCCBJ - Sweet Pink Chubby Cheeked Baby Jesus ( like SPCCBJ I saw that happy trail and wanted to DH TSO LtEB)

#6) BRB/BGB - Be Right Back/Boss Going Batshit

#7) IFHRL - I Fucking Hate Real Life (as in IFHRL, BRB/BGB 'cause he caught me reading MoTU)

and finally....

#8) HSDIRJTTOL? - Holy Shit, Did I Really Just Tweet that Out Loud? (example: @DanielCudmore tweeted "Packing for Florida" to which my fingers, in the absence of a proper Tweet filter, indiscriminately responded "Yes, Daniel...you are certainly packing. HSDIRJTTOL?"

Now...who among you is brave enough to follow me on Twitter? TAG - you're it! Come & find me, and hit me with your best Twinacronym!

@Mama_Cougar