Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I Cheated on Twilight

In December 2008, after a whirlwind two week romance, The Twilight Saga and I were united forever. It was a simple ceremony, just family and a few close friends...and then we honeymooned in Antigua where it gave me days...weeks...months of rapturous, blissful pleasure beyond my wildest imagination. Everyone tells me we're a handsome couple, and I believe it. I mean, there's no denying that The Twilight Saga is a total hottie.

I'm not quite sure when it crept up on me, but mid-summer, I started feeling the 6-month itch. Something was missing in our relationship. I had a need that wasn't being met. How many times did it honestly think I could read it? It got too comfortable...complacent. And so it began, as many affairs do, in the Adult Fiction Section at Borders. I wasn't going to buy anything....really. I was just looking. I mean, our vows didn't say anything about reading a simple synopsis or "appreciating" another book cover. But then, my eyes fell upon this:

It wasn't really cheating. I mean...it was the same author and everything. Right? It was more like kissing my husband's cousin after one glass too many of Pinot Grigio.
We went to couples counseling and eventually, The Twilight Saga forgave me and we moved on.

Don't get me wrong, there were still trust issues. I was being watched carefully. Once, I found Eclipse on the back of the toilet seat and New Moon regularly perched itself on my nightstand. Still, I did my best to remain faithful.

Until, one day, I was feeling weak and vulnerable. The Twilight Saga had been my constant companion, but it was away visiting some friends and I was lonely. My daughter, who was unaware of my tenuous commitment, inadvertently left this:

in my car.

It was impossible not to stroke the cover...it was so shiny and colorful and "graphically gifted". It even had a movie...just like my beloved Twilight Saga. One thing lead to another and before I knew it, I was ten chapters deep. The Twilight Saga returned home, but it was too late. I had become a Master of deception. My new mistress and I stole moments in the laundry room, the garage, the walk-in closet...all while The Saga was tucked away, unsuspecting, on the bookshelf.

Unlike my previous affair, this one was deep, hungry and passionate. Like a flash fire to my eyes and heart, it lasted only a weekend and then it abandoned me, leaving my soul aching, desperate and alone. Needing more.

The void was unfathomably deep. And so I filled it with this:

which was by far, the most intellectually stimulating of my seedy exploits. The Saga started to get suspicious when it heard me using words like "hardscrabble" and "equivocal" in daily conversation. It hacked into my computer and checked my browsing history to find that I had Googled the author, Michael Palmer, and placed a few more of his works in my "Wish List" on Amazon.com.

The Saga confronted me and we had a huge blowout. There were raised voices, hurtful exchanges, tears...heck, I think there may have been a torn jacket cover. I'm not sure. It's all a blur now.

The Twilight Saga finally acquiesced that perhaps expecting me to be exclusive was unfair. It agreed that it had underestimated my literary needs. We parted amicably and thanks to a generous prenup, The Saga is living comfortably in a two-bedroom condo just a few miles from my house. We still see each other on occasion, and we share custody of the fruit of our loins....Fan Fiction.

And now, I'm at last at peace. Uninhibited and free to indulge my insatiable hunger for words and wit, plot twists and loveable characters. But alas, The Twilight Saga will forever have a special place in my heart as the lover that brought a passion for reading back into my life. Thank you Twilight Saga - I will always love you. Forever.


  1. Loved it Mamma C! You crack me up and I love reading everything you have something to say about!

  2. OMG, you slay me! The fight - the torn jacket cover! LOL!

    Fan fiction is evil. I love it, I can't stay away from it, I NEED it. And that is why my apartment is in shambles and smells funny. If I had children they would have been taken away from me from by now...

    Great blog, Mama Cougar!

  3. Freakin' awesome! My love affair is with fan fiction now too--I can't stop! My book club friends are starting to worry about me but they also get to hear about how sexed up I am all the time....ssshhh--I think they are a tad jealous ;-)

    I am feeling the need to break free every now and again but it is so hard. Thanks for recs....my next book is the collection of shorts from Nick Hornby. I heart him so I think it might hold my attention.....but I am sure there will still be late night moments with my laptop and fanfic too.

    I am re-reading "New Moon" right now as well--no skipping around. I want to be prepared for Nov. 20th....as if I need any more prep.

    Great post Mama Cougar!

  4. Aww. I can't reread any of the Twilight books for some reason. The fanfic is too good and there is too much out there. So.. is that bad? I mean I love Edward, but tatted Edward, or The Dom Edward, or even the Beautiful Bastard Edward is soooo much fun to spend the evening with. I'm addicted to fanfic.

  5. Awww, lol! I think you've done well, I've not managed to read anything else yet that doesn't have vamps in. I don't count it as cheating, I've always got one of the saga on the go too. Love the Fanfic too, just in the middle of having a go at my own at the mo and loving doing it :o).