Thursday, June 17, 2010

Breaking News! Breaking Dawn. Broken Up. Really?

Unless you're rotting somewhere in a Turkish prison, you've no doubt heard the "official" announcement from Summit that the fourth installment in the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn, will be divided into two movies. Lots of other details are still being speculated....2-D or 3-D, PG-13 or R, yada fucking yada, yada.

Frankly, for me, the discussion is irrelevant. I will see both movies on premiere night, regardless of rating or whether Rob's hands appear flat or seem to reach out & grope my bewbs. And as history has shown, I will initially be so smitten that I won't see the inherent, unavoidable flaws and I'll rave for days about how awesome it was.

The honeymoon will be over after my 10th in-theatre viewing. I'll find little nit-picky shit I don't like, but I'll conclude that it doesn't matter at all because for fuck's sake, they are in the movie and they finally DO IT. I've been waiting since December 2008 for these kids to hook up. You could chain my double D's to an atomic bomb, but I'll still go to the theatre to see this gloriousness, as many times as my schedule will allow for.

That's the depth of my addiction.

"I'm totes looking down your dress."
"Yeah, I know."

Still, I wonder, how will there be enough content for two, full-length movies? Yes, Breaking Dawn the book was very long, but just about the easiest of the four to cut unnecessary content from. Here, let me help you by providing a synopsis, Mama Cougar Cliff's Notes style:

-Bella & Edward get married. Jacob "The Situation" Black is devastated, and the only person who cares is Leah because she's a wolf-woman scorned whose Xanax prescription has expired.

-Edward takes Bella to an island honeymoon and pops her ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb.

-Having finally experienced the Glittergun first hand, Bella becomes a raging nympho. Begging, pillow biting, furniture destruction, and the shredding of sexy La Perla lingerie ensues. 

-Natch, the lame ribbed Trojans they brought along were no match for Edward's gargantuan, granite, prism peen. Bells gets preggers. 

-Edward goes all self-flagellating rageball & wants Carlisle to Hoover the vampbryo. Bella refuses and hires Rosalie to her guard her uterus. Alice books them all an appearance on Jerry Springer, and then skips Forks to bone some dude she met at the Rainforest Cafe.

-Bella gives birth to a bi-species baby and exsanguinates all over Carlisle & Esme's cream-colored shag carpet. Again. Edward noms on her and saves her life with his vampdrool. The ugly duckling becomes a swan. Millions die of metaphor overdose.

"Permanent semi, Edward? That's quite the irony."

-Jake dies inside and we all laugh sadistically at his pain. Tortured, he isolates himself and becomes a pedophile. Everyone knows, but seems to enable him. A follow-up Jerry Springer episode is booked.

-Law & Order, Special Vamp Unit is called in because Baby Renesmasupercalifragalisticexpialadocious is somehow a threat to inhumanity with her rapidly growing hair & weird face-stroking fetish.

-The Cullens and the Quileutes merge into one tribe called the Cullutes & get orange buffs. (Or was that the Quillens? Whatev.) Nobody is voted out at Tribal Council because Bella found the hidden immunity idol in her own brain.

-I fell asleep during this part but I think Dr. Phil showed up with Alice & talked everyone down from the meadow by reminding them that when they "choose the behavior, they choose the consequence".

-SVU tucked tail & slunk back to the precinct in Italy, Jake joined the Priesthood, and Edward & Bella dumped the kid with the g'rents so they could fuck like jackrabbits for a couple of weeks & let off steam.

"Bella, baby?" "Yes?" "There's a playroom in the basement." "I'll get the checkbook."

-Edward & Bella lived happily ever after in Snow White's cottage that they purchased after it went into foreclosure because the dwarfs all had to go to court-ordered rehab.

That's about it, right? Can that really be two movies?!?