The Cougar's Den: September 2010

I got an e-mail the other day, from a friend of my oldest daughter who works at the "Family Video". Think a moment about that franchise name and then as you continue to read, let the irony wash over you.

The email said:

Dear Mama, (all the kids call me Mama)

I was sorting in the "back room" yesterday and you'll never guess what I found. Did you know there is a TWILIGHT PORN MOVIE?!?!? Have you seen it? If not, I could bring it to your house and we could drink and watch it. Let me know.

Love,

Well, as it happens "B", thanks to my lovers at Twitarded and my soul sistah 17ForeverLisa, I was acutely aware of the existence of said porn movie, but no, I've never seen it.

I just......can't.

Just.......no.

Can't. Dew. It.

"Hey, Fast Eddie, didn't you say you had two brothers? 'Cause I don't have a hole in my chest, but I do have three other orifices just waiting to be filled."

Before you start to imagine me all stuffy and prudish, let me remind you that I used to make my Barbies perform oral on each other as outlined in this previous perverted post. I've seen plenty of porn in my day.

I'm sleazy, lewd and a completely depraved.

Hell, I regularly visit the website for the Tantra Chair because I'm fascinated by the erotic demo videos.

Well....go ahead. You can click the link. I'll still be here when you ~~wake up~~ get back, h00rs.

But the very thought of anyone else pretending to be a manwhore Edward, fucking a Bella with a meat curtains the size of Montana makes me wanna smother kittens. I just can't go there. There's something sacreligious about it...in my warped, deviant mind.

Rob is my only Edward and Kristen is my only Bella.

End of story.

What's a porn lover to do?

EUREKA!

Let's turn the real Twilight movie into porn!

Because in my ill, twisted grey matter, Robward and Krisella can be as hardcore horny and kinky as my mind will let them, as long as they're still my Edward and Bella.

So, in that vein, I bring you my apparently popular (based on the amount of times they were retweeted and the 50 followers I picked up) TwiPorn Tweets!

B - I know what I saw."

E - "And what exactly was that?"

B - "Your massive meat rocket stopped the van. You pushed it away with your rod."

B - "Are you gonna tell me how you stopped the van?"

E- "Yeah. I had an erection. It's very common. You can fondle it."

B - "I've considered penis pumps, and Viagra."

E - "What if it's not a boner? What if I'm the limp guy?"

B - "You're not. I can see what you're trying to jerk off. It's a dick."

E - "I feel....very....erect for you."

B - "So you swallowed me?"

E - "I don't have the strength....to stay out of you anymore."

B - "I know what you are."

E - "Say it. OUT LOUD."

B - "Porn star."

E - "Are you afraid?"

B - "No. Where are we going?"

E - "Up the poon tang, into the stank tank. You need to feel what I can do in your behind!"

E - "And so the Lion fell in Love with the Lamb."

B - "What a horny lamb!"

E - "What a sadomasochistic lion."

B - "About three things, I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was hung. Second, I didn't know how dominant he wanted to be. And third, my anus was unconditionally, and irrevocably shredded by him."