Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Robeanism - My New Religion

Yeah, I've been MIA again. Whenever I drop from the face of the blogiverse, you can be sure one of two things is happening. I'm either monumentally fucking LAZY, or real life is being a total ass muncher. I can assure you, my excuse this time is the latter. After all, I DO work in an industry where our busiest time is March through July, I still have little cougars in the den, and I'm still hitched to a Papa Cougar who likes an occasional mating session, if you kwim?

There's all that, and then there's THIS:



That's right. This Mama has spent the last month preparing for the New Moon DvD release party I've been planning since November of 2009. And let me tell you, it was seriously badass. My liver is still recovering.

I'm not even going to attempt to blog about my party, partially because the Jell-O shots clouded my memories of just about everything that happened during our viewing of the movie, and partially because my new bloggy bestie 17ForeverLisa came to the party (crazy bitch drove over three hours which made me fall in love with her immediately) and she did a MUCH better job of capturing the essence of our epic fuckery in this blog entry: Mama Cougar's DvD Release Party Kicked Ass!
There....NOW do you see what I've been up to?

When non-Twi people ask me why I do things like this, I usually say something like, "Second childhood I guess" or "I have no earthly idea". But the truth is, I found the reason I truly love this fandom and all it's quirks this past weekend. I found it in the thirteen ladies and one brave man who came to my party. It's all about the amazing people I have met and our mutual addiction to The Twilight Saga.


I've lost track of how 17ForeverLisa and I hooked up except that we're both huge fans of JennyJerkface and SnarkierThanYou over at Twitarded and we're both huge Illini fans. I invited her to my party, and this very ballsy woman accepted my invite and then drove 3+ hours to come to a strange little town in the middle of corn and beans to hang with people she didn't know. Not only that, she brought me THE MOST FUCKAWESOME gift EVER, a real roll of New Moon trailer film cell. I seriously almost cried. But wait, there's more. Wether by fate or happy accident, we were watching the "bonus features" together when at precisely the same time, as Rob appeared on the screen wearing the "Beanie", we both squealed like stuck pigs. It was in this moment, that I knew I'd found my soul sister.

We've since discovered that we are not alone in our love for Beanie Rob, in fact, there's an entire underground movement of Beanatics who love, adore, and dare I say worship the Beanie. So, I've decided, it's time to come out of the winter storage bins and into the mainstream hat culture. The time for Robeanism has come.

Every religion has it's tenets. Today, I will outline them for you. First, of course, is our deity, the beloved Robert Pattinson, wearing atop his head, our Holy Relic, the Beanie.


Let us pray.

Most gracious and beloved Beanie, your adoring followers come to you in absolute reverence, for we understand that just as you can giveth fourth the sex hair, you can also taketh it away. Please, Dear Beanie, we beseech you to continue to grace the guilded locks of our beloved Rob with your glory and virtue. In turn we promise to always have faith in your ability to enrich our lives by delivering to us the most heavenly countenance (read jawporn) in the Beandom. Amen.


Holy day? Monday. Why Monday? Because, let's face it, Mondays suck smelly bawls and attending 10:15 Beaniemass can only be an improvement.

Our communion shall consist of:

Stoli shots
and

Unlike other religions, however, you need not attend mass or kneel at the altar to receive your sacraments. You're welcome to help yourself to as much as you want, as often as you feel it's necessary to pay homage to the Beanie.

We baptize our flock in fonts filled with Heiniken, not so much to cleanse sins as to bask in the glory of our deity's favorite lager.

And finally, we follow only one simple commandment, as enscribed on the back of an In & Out Burger napkin:

Rob's Beanie is the Alpha and the Omega and thou shalt not put other false hats before it.



All hail Beanie, full of grease grace, we thank you for your many blessings and pray that we continue to be one with the Beanie, which we enthusiastically embrace and love to the very depths of our souls.

UNGH.

Amen.

17 comments:

  1. I am going to have to have my friend make a replica of the beanie for you :) Since it has been pointed out there is more than one, is there a specific one you like more than the others? Or are you an equal opportunity beanie lover? Great post!

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  2. I am a lover of all beanies, but that standard black always inspires me to drop to my knees in a prayer of thanksgiving.

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  3. If I pray really hard and drop to my knees, can Rob be standing in front of me?

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  4. I want to be a part of your flock!
    I worshiped for hours just yesterday over at Twitarded ~ some of those pictures should be illegal!
    (drooling is a form of worship...right?)

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  5. I've ALWAYS loved the beanie on both Rob and KStew. I tried one on in a store once. I obviously couldn't pull it off. I decided to leave it to them ;)

    I'm excited to be baptized with Heiniken.

    Robeanism, here I come! (however, I'm very much convinced I was already there) =D

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  6. The Beanie is Shroudlike to me...IDC if the hair is covered, I know full well what lies beneath. Plus, I'm a closet hippie...I like Manmusk. Not filth, just Man. Mmmmmmmm.

    Seeing the pic of you and @17foreverlisa is a testament as to why I have fallen hopelessly in loooooooove with the TwiFandom.

    This might be my first comment here, I can't be bothered to remember shit at this hour.

    Your tweets bust my shit up... ;)

    xoxo
    E

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  7. Oh, Mary, I am STILL smiling because of my trip. Like I've told my family, friends, and co-workers, I knew I had found "my people" 10 minutes after I'd walked in the door. It may have been ballsy for me to make the trip, but it was even ballsier of you and your family to welcome me with open arms the way that you did. I loved meeting everyone!

    I will never forget the moment when we both realized Rob was doing his Eclipse training while wearing the beanie and our mirrored reaction to it. It was a defining moment for us :)

    Thank you again for the best party EVER, and I look forward to meeting you half way and watching The Runaways together in April.

    And last but not least, thank you for our new religion. LMAO! "Rob's Beanie is the Alpha and the Omega and thou shalt not put other false hats before it." AMEN!

    XXXOOO

    Lisa

    P.S.: PLAID!

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  8. Yes! And as a devout Robeanist, I need to spread the word and pimp this post. I love the "not put false hats before it" picture you used.
    LMAO! "All hail Beanie, full of grease grace"
    I'm ready to be baptized and take my communion.
    And church is going to be fuckawesome.

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  9. @Mama C- fuckawesome post! You and the ladies at Twitarded are my favorite. Keep up the fuckawesomeness. =]
    @Ginny- I am right there with you... drooling is deffinately needs to a part of Robeanism worship.

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  10. Oh I do love the beanie too. I forgive him for covering his sex hair because he looks so fucking cute in his beanie and I like to imagine him touseling his hair when he takes it off *sigh*

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  11. so updating my fb page to religion: Robeanism

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  12. Hi Mama Cougar,

    I hopped on over to your blog via Lisa and your post made my laugh out loud! Your prayer to the beanie...LMAO!!!!

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  13. You have made me look at Rob's beanie with completely new eyes.....and I love it! Thank you!

    I saw the pics that Lisa took of your party and it looked awesome! We should merge parties sometime! I'm only 3 hours away or so! :O)

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  14. ok- i can't join in with beanie-ism/-dom.. but i will say that is one of the funniest things i've read in a while. i also read lisa's take on your new moon party - and it looked fabu.
    'cheers' - holding up my stoli

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  15. Oh, Mama, you make me LOL like no other. Consider me a convert to your new fuckhawt religion.

    It's okay to have sex dreams about our deity, right? Cause...well...if we can't, that's a deal-breaker for me.

    Love you,
    Kiya x

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  16. Kiya,

    Sex dreams are an integral part of our Novena. Whatever the fuck a novena is.

    But yeah, by all means....sex dreams, drooling, self pleasure while reading our bible (any hot fanfic) is totally encouraged.

    MC

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  17. Damn, I wish I had been at that shindig.

    I've never really been one to subscribe to a particular religion but, Mama Cougar -- I'm totally down with this shit. You rock.

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