Monday, February 22, 2010

1-900-SEXYROB

You know...if this acting deal doesn't work out, Robert Pattinson has always said that music is his "fall back" career. And then, of course, if that's a bust he could go back to modeling. And hell, he could probably sustain ten privledged lifetimes just on personal appearances and celebrity endorsements. But, if the unthinkable happened, and his career went the way of Kobe Bryant or Tiger Woods, I'm pretty damn sure I have his saving grace all lined up for him.

1-900-SEXYROB.

Because that boy's voice is a fucking GOLD MINE. It's like warm honey....the softest velvet, and it just wraps around you, infiltrates your pores and melts you to your core.

Ready?

I mean, really...if you still have dry panties, you're either severely dehydrated, have profound hearing loss, or a you're a corpse.

Just imagine if you will....

You pick up the phone and with trembling fingers, you dial....1-900-SEXYROB.

"Hello, you've reached the Robert Pattinson phone sex line. Please listen carefully to all of your options as our menu has changed. In fact, it will change everytime Mr. Pattinson takes on a new role."

"For Robward, Press 177245. For Tybert, press 911. For Georges DuRob, also known as Shagbert, Press 69."

And hell, I'm going to go bankrupt and try them ALL, so let's just go ahead and digit 177245.

"Hello, love. You don't know how long I've waited for you. Since my existence is based on your pleasure, please consider your needs and choose one of the following options:"

For the Simply Sweet Virgin Meadow Mingle - Press 1.

For the Third Base Thrills in Edward's Bedward - Press 2.

For the Cherry Bomb Isle Esme Adventure, Press 3.

I'm cyclin' through the whole damn menu. Multiple times. How about you?

But wait, don't hang up now, there's so much more!

Let's try Tybert. He's all young & angsty and....repressed. I'll bet when he opens up, it gets all steamy up in his bach pad. I'm pressing 911. HARD.

"Hi, baby. Ghandi once said that everyone you do in life is insignificant, but it's very important that you do them. I'm waiting to do you. Let's eat our dessert first."



For Tybert's Wet N' Wild Water Wank - Press 1.

For Tybert's Foreplay & Fellacio on Polyblend Bachelor Pad Sheets - Press 2.

And finally....



For Tybert's Kinky Pinky Sleeping Bag Shag - Press 3.

3.....3.....3.....3....3 (ad infinitum)


And after I've recovered from my Tygasm, wild fucking horses could not keep me from pressing 69 to hear Shagbert.

Oh God...Oh God...that voice in a French accent...I'll just mortgage my house and sell my firstborn child NOW, because I'm calling Georges DuRob EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY G'DAMNED LIFE.

"Bonjour mon ami. I want you. Here. Now. Always."

For the Christina Ricci Floor Fantasy, Press 1.

For the Uma Thurman Cougar Chair Tryst, Press 2.

And Sweet Jesus...

For the Shagbert Eiffel Tower Tonguegasm, Press 3.

***THUD***

$9.99 per minute you say?

Of course I'll pay it. Because....

19 comments:

  1. OK---just gonna hang out here and press play for a few hours...Oh. My. God.

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  2. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I spent my 401K on phone sex with Rob."

    LMFAO!!! I get so excited when I see you have a new blog post, Mary. This is an instant classic. And thank you for putting the number 17 in the Robward's extension. Just sayin'.

    Lisa

    P.S.: Email me with directions on embedding soundbites into a blog post. Please! I have an entire folder saved out from RAoR's glorious soundbites just sitting there.

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  3. I think my phone just blew up...or perhaps those were my panties...

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  4. Oh I would just die if this actually existed. It would be nice to have his voice streamed into my car the whole time I drive to work. Wonderful idea...

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  5. Um, your first born child is sad that you would give her up for Shagbert. :[

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  6. Tough luck kid...this is French ROB we're talking about. I'd sell you, your brother AND your sister! I'm keeping the dog though. After all, her name IS Bella. LMAO.

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  7. @Lil-Cougar & Mama Cougar - LOL!!!!!

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  8. Um, err, I love you Mama C.! I know that is a bit forward of me but I speak the truth (or type it or whatever). I LOVE the way your brain works...please come share a VitaminR with me in Forks...pretty please with RPattz on top, below, behind, etc.

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  9. LMAO! 'Tybert's Kinky Pinky Sleeping Bag Shag' Genius! I laughed all the way through this, I thank you!

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  10. As always, Mama Cougar, your post is so unique and mind blowing - and then you go and add Rob's fucking voice, and I don't know which way's up, which way's down. I must admit though, and please don't kill me for saying this, but I always kinda laugh at that "I feel very protective of you" line. It's so dorky. But, his voice is so soft that it highlight just perfectly just how big of a perv I am.

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  11. HYSTERICAL!

    Please tell me I can request Robward & Tybert with the British accent the second time I call to really fulfill the fantasy.

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  12. Love it. I have always loved his voice...ever since the 1 st youtube vid graced my ear drums. However, I had never SEEN him sing, until taking a quick trip over to 17foreverlisa and viewing her latest post. OMG, she posted a vid of him singing, like him ACTUALLY singing, where you can SEE him singing. I pretty much orgasmed right then and there.

    Unfortunately for me, I can't "hear" what you posted because I'm at work...and my desk is in the middle of a hotel lobby. ;) Might not be appropriate if I started humping my work computer. I'll def check it out tonight. NST bf is working late..woot woot!

    xoxo J

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  13. Brilliant post. You are so clever and hilarious. I love it. I hated that I had to wait until I was home to read, rather hear this post but it was well worth it. Poor Lil Cougar but I completely understand... I have a slightly used hubby and 2 cats I could sell off but I am not sure anyone would buy them ;)

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  14. This was MAGIC. Thank you. Just finished Bel Ami on my vacation and there is no doubt those Details pics were DuRoy-inspired!!

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  15. I am soooo Winnona Rider in Reality Bites and spends all her money in Phone Advice but in my case spends what she owns, her husband owns and her mother owns and barely keeps the kids while her hand is permanently embeded in her crotch, with her neck holding the phone just to hear the sweet voice of SexRob.

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  16. Yea, they disconnected my phone line for having a kazillion dollar phone bill. LOL!
    LOVE IT! And the sound bite!

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  17. I totally agree, he has the sexiest voice ever, I enjoy his accent too. I could listen to him forever!!!! Good call on the career fallback lol.

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  18. HAWT. Him speaking over him singing FTW

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