1-900-SEXYROB

You know...if this acting deal doesn't work out, Robert Pattinson has always said that music is his "fall back" career. And then, of course, if that's a bust he could go back to modeling. And hell, he could probably sustain ten privledged lifetimes just on personal appearances and celebrity endorsements. But, if the unthinkable happened, and his career went the way of Kobe Bryant or Tiger Woods, I'm pretty damn sure I have his saving grace all lined up for him.

1-900-SEXYROB.

Because that boy's voice is a fucking GOLD MINE. It's like warm honey....the softest velvet, and it just wraps around you, infiltrates your pores and melts you to your core.

Ready?

I feel very protective of you sound bite Twilight sound bites

I mean, really...if you still have dry panties, you're either severely dehydrated, have profound hearing loss, or a you're a corpse.

Just imagine if you will....

You pick up the phone and with trembling fingers, you dial....1-900-SEXYROB.

"Hello, you've reached the Robert Pattinson phone sex line. Please listen carefully to all of your options as our menu has changed. In fact, it will change everytime Mr. Pattinson takes on a new role."

"For Robward, Press 177245. For Tybert, press 911. For Georges DuRob, also known as Shagbert, Press 69."

And hell, I'm going to go bankrupt and try them ALL, so let's just go ahead and digit 177245.

"Hello, love. You don't know how long I've waited for you. Since my existence is based on your pleasure, please consider your needs and choose one of the following options:"

For the Simply Sweet Virgin Meadow Mingle - Press 1.

For the Third Base Thrills in Edward's Bedward - Press 2.

For the Cherry Bomb Isle Esme Adventure, Press 3.

I'm cyclin' through the whole damn menu. Multiple times. How about you?

But wait, don't hang up now, there's so much more!

Let's try Tybert. He's all young & angsty and....repressed. I'll bet when he opens up, it gets all steamy up in his bach pad. I'm pressing 911. HARD.

"Hi, baby. Ghandi once said that everyone you do in life is insignificant, but it's very important that you do them. I'm waiting to do you. Let's eat our dessert first."

For Tybert's Wet N' Wild Water Wank - Press 1.

For Tybert's Foreplay & Fellacio on Polyblend Bachelor Pad Sheets - Press 2.

And finally....

For Tybert's Kinky Pinky Sleeping Bag Shag - Press 3.

3.....3.....3.....3....3 (ad infinitum)

And after I've recovered from my Tygasm, wild fucking horses could not keep me from pressing 69 to hear Shagbert.

Oh God...Oh God...that voice in a French accent...I'll just mortgage my house and sell my firstborn child NOW, because I'm calling Georges DuRob EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY G'DAMNED LIFE.

"Bonjour mon ami. I want you. Here. Now. Always."

For the Christina Ricci Floor Fantasy, Press 1.

For the Uma Thurman Cougar Chair Tryst, Press 2.

And Sweet Jesus...

For the Shagbert Eiffel Tower Tonguegasm, Press 3.

***THUD***

$9.99 per minute you say?

Of course I'll pay it. Because....

I don't have the strength to stay away from you sound bite Edward Cullen sound bites