Sobered up Monday

Yup. I saw it three times this weekend. Yup. Still love it. And Yup. I want to take Chris Weitz into the Den and do deliciously naughty things to him to show him my appreciation.

"Wow....ummmm...that's not what I had in mind when I said "roll it" but hey, who am I to judge? You go for it Mama. I'll just watch."

Of course, now that the high has abated, I did find a few nitpicky things I want to blog about, if only to get them off my chest so that I can go see the movie again tonight with my Unicorn at 8:30.

#1 - "Critical Reviews"

Dear Media-Type, "Professional" Movie Critics,

PLEASE STOP REVIEWING THIS MOVIE.

Now, I know your Ivy League educations and overinflated egos make it damned near impossible for you not to make your opinions known. But conversely, the audience this movie was made for does not give a fat rat's ass what you think about it. Your thoughts on the movie (which are more often than not, based more on how you will look to your movie reviewer peers than the wild concept that you may have actually read the books) mean as much to the Twilight fan base as Sarah Palin's thoughts on just about anything mean to the Republicans Democrats. So, do us all a favor, and go see 2012, Avatar, or Men who screw Watch Goats and write reviews on that. We don't need you and we will speak with our wallets. In fact, I think we already have. Let me give you a number you will understand. $250+ million worldwide in it's opening weekend. Review that you marionette butt monkeys!

"New Moon sucked. What is New Moon anyway? I think I ate Chinese there once. It gave me the trots so it must suck. Let's go with that."


#2 - The Frolicking

This appears to be the biggest complaint of the fandom. Alice's vision of Bella as a vamp was shared with Aro to placate him and make it possible for the trio to escape the Volturi chambers alive. I for one, was REALLY stoked and praying what we would see would be Bellaward embracing in the garden of their cottage while they both sparkled, all happily-ever-after like. Instead....we got the forest frolick.

"Dude...you run like a penguin." - Bella
"Yeah, well that dress makes you look like Laura Ingalls Wilder." - Edward

Yes, Chris. You got this part wrong. Or, there's some yummy extras on the DvD that will explain this and we haven't seen them yet. Whatever. Too late to fix it now, so we'll all just squint during this part and see if we can make Bella look voluptuous in a blue silk dress and Edward will just lean against a tree in jeans and an unbuttoned white oxford and marvel at her speed.

PS - Summit, since you fired Rachelle, maybe you could see your way to bring her back to teach RPatz how to run properly before you start shooting BD. That woman is a straight-up badass runner from every angle.

So that's it for my sobered up Monday. I'm on my way to buy turkey brining supplies and will then come home and chain myself to a fence post to keep from going to the theater before my scheduled 8:30 showing. Tomorrow (if YouTube will quit being a crotchblocker), I plan to Vlog about my favorite lines by each character, as well as the one line that made me wince. C'mon....you KNEW there had to be ONE. Twilight had it's "spider monkey" and New Moon has one too. Can you guess what it is?

Mama's New Moon Movie Review

No worries - it's spoiler free, I promise. You can trust a Cougar.




OK....what can I say? I'm exhausted and my fingers are not connecting with any part of my brain that is capable of logical thought process, so you'll just have to watch my review, because typing it out is not an option right now. Or maybe ever.

I am aware that I look like I've been ridden hard and put away wet...and well, that's pretty close to what happened. Essentially, Chris Weitz made sweet, sweet love to me for two hours and as you can see, I'm basking in the post-coital bliss.

So now, I bid you farewell so I can take a nap and dream of the hundreds of torturous ways I'd like to maim the annoying Uggs-wearing twit that sat behind me last night in the theater. You knew there had to be one, right? I totally called it.

See that fake-blonde head in the lower part of the picture? That's Uggs girl. She possesses the single most annoying voice on the planet and my only recommended treatment for her chronic diarrhea of the mouth is a full frontal lobotomy. Trust me, she'll never miss that part of her head.

But on a happier note, here's my friend Dana and I all stoked in front of the theater. We're excited about Avatar. Bahahahahaaaaaaa.

Or not.

Nuckin' Futs

I have officially lost my already-screwed-up-from-too-many-Everclear-Jello-shots-in-college MIND. My muscles are twitching underneath my skin and I'm squirming in my office chair like a toddler enjoying the feel of a fresh mess in their Blue's Clues Underoos. Long & short? I am a certifiable, committable pile of fuckin' NUTS. And if you have to ask why, you're dead to me.

THESE right here, are worth more to me today than:

1 - the entire contents of my numerous Swiss bank accounts
2 - the balance on my Victoria's Secret credit card
3 - that awesomesauce neumatic wine bottle opener I want from Sharper Image
4 - all the tea nuclear arms in China
5 - I'd say my firstborn child, but she reads this shizznit, so I won't (***coughfirstbornchildcough***)

THEN.

NOW.
She ain't all that cute anyway, right?

Anyway....I'm just checking in with you all to let you know that I have no energy to be witty or funny today. NONE.AT.ALL. In fact, I am only participating in "real life" today inasmuch as is necessary to maintain my facade of sanity and keep me outpatient from the psych ward so I can:

SEE NEW MOON TONIGHT!!!!!

And yes....I'll review it, but I'm not deluding myself that I'll be coherent enough to do it via the written word. You'll just have to tune in to my YouTube Channel to watch me go all batshit fangirl.

The Cougar's Den on YouTube

Mama Cougar

PS. The Twibernation is SO OVER.

Let the Twibernation begin....

Ask any woman on this planet and she will unequivocally comfirm..."There is NO SUCH THING as too much foreplay." For estrogen-based life forms, foreplay starts with a wayward glance, a hand placed gently on the small of our backs while we're loading the dishwasher, a wink while we're folding clothes.

It continues with a snuggle on the couch while we're watching Dancing with the Stars, the cute way you brush your teeth AND floss prior to the goodnight kiss, and the thoughtfulness of tucking two clean washcloths under your pillow when you finally join us join us in bed.

In general, foreplay=A VERY GOOD THING. We likey. We likey a whole lot.

There is one noteable exception, however.

Summit Entertainment and it's prodigal franchise, The Twilight Saga.

Summit has been whispering sweet nothings in my ear and running their hands along my trembling thighs for weeks on end now, and even hardcore, pregame-lovin' ladies like myself are beginning to lose patience as our netheregions turn a hundred shades of blue in reaction to the deprivation of the "real" thing.

Just in the last two weeks, we've had the Vanity Fair Spread (no pun intended), The Harper's Bazaar porn, endless YouTube leaks of New Moon scenes, a bazillion blog posts with embedded vids and pics from press junkets and Mall Tour appearances, and don't even get me started on Twitter. I mean, Twitter is so close to sexually suggestive, all it takes is a one letter mistype and well....you know. Let's just say that I've been sufficiently "tweeted".

"You sure about that Mama? I could tweet all day if you wanted."

(To which my bits break out in a Hallelujiah chorus and lay out directional signs and a welcome mat in my panties.)

As a result, in order to ensure continued capillary refill to my treasured lady parts, I've made an executive decision. I am going into Twibernation. I spent my day today like a bear...getting my fill of all things New Moon so that I will have enough sustenance to last for the next 9 days. My gray matter is now filled to the brim with Twi-propoganda. I watched press interview videos, looked at stills from Robsten and Jaylorbait in Paris, and of course, like the true addict that I am, I read fanfic. (If you haven't read Twice As Long As Yesterday by hopefulwager, you are failing epically at Ficwhoring. GO. THERE. NOW. Trust the Mama.)

And so, I take my leave of you TwiWorld. I'm ducking under the covers, taking the Ambien and checking out of this big-top circus until opening night. You all can stay behind and watch the elephants pitch the tents if you want, but not me. I'm done.

Except for listening to my New Moon Soundtrack.

And playing with my Cullen Car Collection.


And blogging this Twitarded Blog Meme that is incredibly late due to the aforementioned activities. Sorry 'bout that EdBrella!

1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)?

Two of my high school besties and I once stole a bottle of Vodka from my parents liquor cabinet and mixed it with grape Kool-Aid. We proceeded to drink said SatanPunch while driving around my friend's pig farm in what could probably pass as Bella's truck. I don't remember much, except hosing vomit off of the side of my friend's house the next day.

2) One of my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)**

Fuck: Seriously? You have to ask? The Sparkly One....hands down. Hands on. Hands moving. Just hands. Everywhere. On me. Because his hands are eroticmazing.

Marry: The Want. (a.k.a. KStew). NO LIE. The girl is everything I'd look for in a marital partner. Smart, gorgeous, well spoken, and BADASS.

Kill: Jacksper. His hair alone sends me into a murderous rage, but add to it the constipation stare and I'm over the edge Dexter on that man.

3) What is your favorite band/type of music?

James Morrison, Adele, Paulo Nutini. UK Musicians kick American artist's ass.

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight?

The Color Purple with Oprah Winfrey, Whoopi Goldberg and Danny Glover. Used a whole box of Kleenex and aged about 10 years when I saw it. It was the first time I'd ever seen two women kiss on screen. It was the first time I'd seen true evil and how it can shape redemption.

5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger?

Hell yes. The damned bunch of enablers. God love 'em.

6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc.

I have a developmental delay that prevents me from having any sense of time. Yeah...that's it. I'm timetarded. So I have no idea. But it's lots. Whole bunches. Tons even.

Well...except from NOW until 11.20 at 12:01 am.

Mama Cougar....over & out.

(radio silence)